Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Shrink Tales #6: In Which we Spoke of Punishment

'How are you?' is the question i hate the most. Unless it is my psychologist who is asking.
When Dr. Mullick asked me that that day i started speaking of how bad and defeated i was feeling about Sethuvamma staying back in Kolkata. She had made some arrangement by which she could work in Kolkata. The same central government job.

I was possessive about Kolkata. I just didn't want anybody around me. I felt cheated, miserable and violated when i got to know of her transfer. She told me how Sethuvamma needed help too. I shared my view that i considered Sethuvamma's belief as a revenge against my atheism. I was very apprehensive about it especially when i started noticing how she was even believing in 'healing' and other such 'miracles' that belief offered.
I felt everyone was punishing me for having attempted suicide. I often thought what it was that made me deserve all that and quickly settled on the tiny pills that i had taken as an answer. It felt horrible.  Ms Mullick said how people acted without giving any importance to logic when they were in pain. Sethuvamma was doing the same. Ms Mullick herself was going to a shrink every week, she said. That made me happy. I felt everyone was on the same sinking boat. Misery makes me happy.

In the flurry of emails which followed after i got to know of Sethuvamma's decision i spoke to her, Calico and Kunju Thalona. Nobody had anything promising to tell me. I would have to live with it. It being a constant presence in Kolkata which worried over every move of mine.

She asked me to learn how to forgive Sethuvamma. For all that she had done and was doing. I thought of it and felt bad. When someone asked me to be at the other end of forgiveness it was hard. I had to be forgiven for all the fuck ups in my life. Not the other way round.

At Ms Mullick's Sethuvamma was her crying best. I hated it when she cried. I always felt she had no reason to cry when i was around. I was to cry. Not her. Yes, i am a cruel bitch. Sethuvamma spoke of how she always thought that i would be there for her even when she lost all hopes with Kunju Thalona. That made me cringe. When was she going to learn that i would never be there for her. Not even for her, i would never be there.

Ms Mullick concluded that she needed help. I clung on to my hatred of feeling defeated and betrayed when i was asked to do things. When i felt i was being forced. 

I left the room after Ms Mullick fixed the next session's topic as forgiveness. I still haven't forgiven myself for having been born. I wonder how this is going to turn out. Fingers crossed. 
She  must be giving her knowing smile and nod and mouthing the words 'i told you so'. Damn her, my personal brand of psychology.

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