Monday, 22 January 2018

Growing Old | Shrink Tales

We only spoke about her and i myself was amazed at how much i love her. But the fear of losing her always hangs over my head. That hangs over my relationship with everyone i love. Is it because i keep losing people i love? Appachan, Amma, sibling, so many lovers...

With her it's even more complicated. Thinking Ish and my partner will only hate her and will try to stop me from loving her. Just like how mother and sister are. Whenever Mother places sister's and her love over that of whom she calls 'others,' i cringe. She is really not 'other' for me. Isn't there a saying that blood is thicker than water? It's supposed to mean that blood relations are unique and the strongest. 

I did not love Mother and Sister because i thought they are family and that it was a custom. I remember once asking Mother if it was okay to hate one's mother and if it was because mothers are mothers that they have to be loved by children. I know that even though i have received pain and hurt from Mother and Sister, i am always thinking of them with love. I don't know why Mother and Sister compare my love for her with that. I wish Mother had someone like Ish, who could tell her that you always love with all your love. 

The tummy problem (blood in stool) scared me a bit. Suspected cancer as usual and hid the matter from partner and mother. Went to psychiatrist and she confirmed that it was some kind of infection and that i would have to go to a doctor only if it continued for two more days. It stopped. 

Psychiatrist also told me that i should be telling my partner these things. I told her that it was i was scared that he and Mother will put me in some place and try to get rid of my smoking. That i will be asked to eat properly and that will result in me being 'fat'. 

Jokingly, we decided that i would tell my partner that i would go to a doctor if he agreed to go to a doctor regarding our sex life. He got really pissed and i felt bad. I felt that he would never go to a doctor. This made me think that he didn't care for me. It made me feel bad but immediately i understood it was not the way to think because it was very difficult for him to be ready for such a thing. 

I got really upset about the amount of money i am spending on medical needs. I had to fix a few teeth and it had cost me an arm and a leg. Naturally got angry with the system that was making medical care so expensive.

Realized that i also fear that she will never value my love for her as much as i value hers for me. 

Yesterday, at the medical shop, there was an old couple. There was some misunderstanding regarding the prescription. I had already walked out of a medical shop in anger because they were taking too much time to get my pills. When i was at the second shop, a young boy came to me and informed that i had forgotten my purse at the shop i had walked out of, in an attempt to make a statement. Crossing the road again, i felt so stupid. I got angry with my forgetfulness and absent mindedness. Why was i made this way, i asked myself. It was at the third medical shop that i went to that i saw the old couple.

The woman was arguing vociferously in her old woman's quivering voice. The bewildered husband was trying to calm her down. I thought of my partner and me at that age, in such a situation. Felt bad that when i die early, he will be alone. Thought of Appachan and Amma. Thought of old people's eyes that turn marble like with age. Why does that happen to our eyes when we grow old? It used to make one of Appachan's eyes look blue. I would sometimes think how beautiful it was and then feel bad, thinking how he was half blind. I don't know what is with me and old age. Starting from the smell of oldness, my eyes moisten whenever i think of aging people. 

The week was okay with the fear of colon cancer ruled off. It would be good if i can understand what is wrong with me and her.

A still from short film 'Gi' that i directed