That Impotent Sun and Other Such Tales

It was in Kolkata that i saw an impotent sun for the first time. The hostel was separated from the various departments by a pond. Over that was a bridge. Next to that was a Shimul tree which shed its leaves and burst out in red blooms when one was least expecting it. I came to Kolkata in the winter of 2012. While hurrying towards class one morning i looked at the sun. I stared at it and saw that it refused to hurt my eyes. It was impotent. I could stare at it all i wanted and still not wince. That was when i realized there were places like that. There were places unlike Kozhikode, Kerala. Kolkata was my first infidelity to Kozhikode and i loved every bit of it. Even the impotent sun.

From the time i came and our first exercise in 'observation' was given i started jotting down things which interested me. Anything i felt was cinematic went into my pocket diary. I am recording all of that here so that i can burn all those books. My room is cluttered and a little more space wouldn't hurt.

From the time i started keeping journals they have been a joke in the family. Anybody would read it and even quote from it when they felt like it. When i questioned them about privacy they would just shrug saying my diaries never looked like they were personal. So once i wrote Diary in red on my diary so that i drove the point home. Made no difference. They continued to be wide open books.

Tried hard to make it look like a diary

So here is a portion from my reservoir of thoughts for cinema.

June 2014-November 2014

• In winters she was like a dog. The tip of her nose cold. She would brush the tip of her nose on his brow. You are a dog. It's cold like a dog's [nose]. 
•  കരച്ചിൽ എപ്പോഴും വരണത് ഭയങ്കരനിശ്ചയദാർഢ്യത്തോടെ പലതും ചെയ്യുമ്പോഴാണ്. [you cry when you are doing something with enormous effort] Best example is Cache. The man saying now i am going to eat, i haven't eaten all day. And then making a sandwich quickly and starting to cry in between. 
• Child going missing-thread-like what Sethuvamma and Kunju Thalona went through when you went missing. Someone calling Appachan and Amma saying kunjila has met with an accident. 
• The word game you used to play with Appachan. URGE is a nice word to think of
• She always makes the wrong choice of marking a place. Like identifying a house by its curtains. The curtains could go, they could paint it [the house] all over again. She could have looked for another landmark. A post office or a paan shop. But she always chose the curtains or something such. 
• Like how a bread crumb/a pastry falls down your dress into the cleavage. Hangs in the bra to be picked up and eaten again. 
• ഒരു മൈക്രോസ്കോപ്പിനടിയിലേയ്ക്ക് യാത്ര പോയ ക്ലാവ്. [A fungus which went for a trip to under a microscope]
• Nobody always stands for the most important people in your life. For example when you say nobody calls me what you mean is 'my mother calls me'.
• On a black computer screen the reflection of a tube light which is switched on on screen. 
• How can we not have music in our movies. We have music everywhere. In an auto. Especially in the north that is. That is why their movies are like that. The music you heard in the auto. You looked out and what you saw is a young goat. Its forelimbs tried with a red cloth. It was limping. The cut point was a little off. So you in your head cut it in the right place. Editing is brilliant too.
• People disappearing from frames. The time you take to adjust your exposure and they look up-they disappear from your frame. 
• Two girls who are clicking selfies. 
• വിജിയമ്മായുടെ വീട്. കല്യാണം. വാളകത്തെ ഉഷ്ണം. ചൂരൽകസേരയിലെ ആട്ടം. അതിന്റെ കരച്ചിൽ. പാചകം. വളപ്പിലെ പാചകം [Wedding at Viji aunty's. The heat of Valakam. Swinging in the cane hammock. Its creaking. Cooking in the yard.
• വൈകുന്നേരത്തെ വിഷമങ്ങളെല്ലാം ഉറക്കഗുളികയുടെ ഒരു കുപ്പിയിൽ. All the sorrows of evenings safe in a bottle of sleeping pills.

A sketch from the diary. That's me going to cross the road and dee bee, one of our dogs trying to follow me. I try to send her back with a glance. Never worked.

 I am publishing these so that anybody can use them if they feel like. It's an open reservoir. No copyright. I might or might not make use of it in my films. There is nothing called original anyway. Cheers!