Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Shrink Tales #5: In Which We Spoke About Escapism

That was the day i whatsapped Florence saying that D Jeet wasn't available till next week. I asked her to give an appointment for interview the following week. She didn't reply me. Whatsapp's blue check marks went in like swords in my head. I decided to drop out. Asked D Jeet to find a normal person to work with.

When i told Ms Mullick of that decision in the evening she said 'Whoa! where is that coming from!' She asked me what i was going to do. I said i was going to work and be financially independent. 'You are going to get a job which pays 15k a month. Then after some months of being there you would quit that too. You will come around to cinema gradually and by then you would have lost many years in the field.' She made a lot of sense. I made none.

She said i was trying to escape from the situation and was trying to justify my escapism with logic. It was true. I was running away.
She said that i had one of the cognitive dissonances in which i made myself believe that there were only two sides to anything. Either i have it or i don't have anything at all. Either i made the film i wanted or there would not be a film or even me at all. From what she had heard from Sethuvamma of my childhood i had already undergone a great amount of stress. [I had no clue what those tales were because i had no memory of stress in childhood] My mind and body didn't want to go through that kind of stress anymore and was asking me to turn my back to such situations.

I asked her what i should do. A break perhaps? She then spoke of the time when she was in a similar situation. When she broke ties with her mentor and went out of that place. How she decided not to use any of her mentor's contacts and had to struggle to find a place where she could practice. She had given herself 6 months and all it took was 3.

She said i was intelligent enough to know that my plan of quitting and working somewhere else was a load of crap. It was.
She talked about the people who worked at the hospital. All those young women in sick green attires. They made a lot of mistakes, she said. She had asked them to remove Dr. from her name and they hadn't done that yet. She asked me if the her name board outside the room still bore Dr. It did as far as i remembered. She shook her head in resignation.
None of them were going to quit the job because they made mistakes.
All of it sounded true but i was unable to think that way when i was under stress.

She spoke with Sethuvamma and asked me to wait outside. I had a smoke and when i came back i saw that there was no Dr before her name on the board outside the room. When she called me in to ask me to stay calm and think a lot before taking decisions and asking me to let her know what Florence's reply was because she would be concerned i told her that there was no Dr on the name plate. She smiled. I did too.

In the evening screenings Antonioni was playing. He was one among my favourites. I rushed to the theatre five minutes before 6 and realized it had started much before. They had changed the time of screening to 5.30 that day. I came out and called Florence. Another voice picked up and said she was her sister. She asked me what they would get out of the documentary. I was taken aback. I was not prepared for that kind of talk. I mumbled something about them getting wider exposure. She didn't seem convinced and i understood she had only money in mind. I said we were all students and that we couldn't afford much. She asked me to quote a figure. I asked her to quote a figure. She said that she was not doing that because we were students. I was trapped. Money and i had nothing in common.

I told the matter to D Jeet, NN, Sethuvamma and her.
Told Florence's sister that i would call back the next day.
I hope i will be able to buy my film from them.
This is why there has to be a producer in a crew. Venky was in Mumbai and i didn't think he could help anyway. I turned to her. In the end everyone turns to her. She complains that she has no her to turn to. Well, there can only be so many hers in the world.

I decided to wait till 12th when D Jeet would be free and then think of what to do with my life. NN was leaving for good on 20th. I decided to do a little reading and writing and forget about cinema for a while. I wish that was possible because Antonioni is calling me again. Have i told you about how 'Passenger' changed my life? Well...

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