Friday, 1 May 2015

When NN Left

NN doesn't read my blog. She likes it that way. I like it that way too. This time even when it's her i am writing about i don't expect her to read it. We were always better off not reading each other. NN and i had been living together for more than two years now. We had been sharing a room for a year and a half. Recently i came to know that some people even took us for a couple. We weren't lovers but i miss what we were. Yesterday she left for Mumbai, where her home is. She might not come back.

Ever since i moved into the hostel with NN i had been frustrated about not having a space of my own. I was very uncomfortable with sharing a room and tried everything possible to get a single occupancy room. At a point i felt i was at the verge of a nervous breakdown for the same reason. I missed a workshop lying that i had chickenpox and went to Hyderabad, to Kunju Thalona just to spend time alone. 

Now i practically have a room of my own. It is much cleaner. Like how i liked it. No NN like music or lights and i can fart or masturbate whenever i want. As for space, yes, i have enough of it. Not much talking, like how i preferred it. Yet when i woke up in the morning and saw that NN's figure wasn't in the bed next to mine i felt a large mass of sadness settle in my chest. After two and a half years of being here and around her i realized that i had actually loved my roommate.

I never knew it. She was one among the very few people with whom i talked here. What little she knew of me was probably the only thing anyone here ever knew about me. Even then i never thought that i loved her. When i loved her i didn't know that was what i was doing. When i thought of it only differences came to my mind. We had differences in opinion about most of the things i believed in. From caste to gender to career i couldn't have had a conversation with her. But we laughed a lot together. In the end that was all that mattered. May be i would have been more at peace if she had the same perspective as me. May be i would have liked our relationship as roommates more. But i think what i felt in the morning was real.

She made me like dogs. She is who introduced hair conditioner in my life. She was good in everything i sucked at. Remembering roads, faces, names. We had names for most people on campus for the ease of talking about them when they were around. Among them were 'cornered guy', 'continuity', 'hairy movie guy' etc. We girls had our way with things i should say.

I want to write more. Impart our combined wisdom in pages and pages. I won't because after a point it will seem like NN died. I hope she doesn't kill me for having written this.

NN was my sound designer. With the playback project approaching her departure is going to cost us dearly. I hope she will be able to make time and come back. If not this is a definite goodbye and a late realization. Ms NN, much love from an empty room and ex roommate. You go girl.

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