I felt relieved when Ish said that she had not abandoned my food problem as i had doubted in my previous session. It's so complex - this conflict that i face. I am too scared to address it but if my therapist as much as hints that she might not address it, i start panicking. The problem is very similar to the problem. Like how i know how violent fat shaming is but i will keep doing that to myself.
But what surprised me was that it would be linked to Sister. I had thought if they were related when Ish introduced Sister into the session. But she took me by surprise when she said that the whole thing had its origin in Sister. 'Oh!' i exclaimed. Ish said that it was lying bare over there, all the facts required to piece the puzzle together. I couldn't see it though. I still can't, to a large extent. That probably means i don't like the idea that it had its origin in Sister.
But it sounded true when Ish spelt it out for me, reminded me how i wanted to look like her, my first memory of fat shaming comments is from this nun who asked me if i was eating all the food Mother made and not giving Sister her share. Oh did i tell you that i get confused between Sister's and my handwriting? That's because i studied hers and copied it so that mine looks exactly like hers. I did not forsee the difficulty it would create later for myself to tell between the two. Feeling secretly happy that that was how it was.
From the previous session, what had shocked me like anything was me making an awful drawing when i was asked to make one on my relationship with Sister. (I'd drawn her slitting my wrist and had said that Sister was helping me die when Ish asked me what it was.) It's not the possible explanation that Ish gave that blew my mind. It was that action of me drawing it. I had not gone there knowing she would ask me to draw anything. And then i drew something and i was told that it possibly meant something that was relevant to me and then when i thought that i had drawn something that made Ish say that, that still kind of gives me a jolt. Well, i was in for more.
Oh i again forgot why i make the sister character die in all my films. Is it because i don't want to think of it? And why on earth do i keep forgetting this tiny piece!
Ish again asked me to draw what i felt about our relationship. And yet again, i produced a drawing that i did not even know existed in me. I really felt i was acting in a horror movie. There is no explanation to why i drew Sister and me on a boat and then the boat capsizing and me hanging on to the top of the side that's up in the air and Sister almost fully in water hanging dangerously at the sinking end of the boat.
When Ish talked looking at that picture, i was overwhelmed with a mix of joy and disbelief. This sublimated to tenderness in some time. She told me that it could indicate that i thought the broken relationship between her and me is affecting her more than it was affecting me. Truer words had not been spoken. From that point i started feeling like what i imagine mother hens feel. Or human mothers feel. Like spreading my wings so that Sister could feel safe under it. I remembered how i always felt she was so alone, how i didn't particularly like any of her friends, how she is all alone, so far away from me, with all that hatred denying her my love. As these emotions surged in my mind, a very definite answer emerged out of it. I should speak with her.
Of course, i am scared that she is going to hurt me again. But her end of the boat was sinking and i couldn't care less about my clothes getting wet if i tried to help her.
The drawing also could be displaying how i consider our relationship to be a strong balancing thing in my life and hers. (Back home, i couldn't but help resist the thought that it was again a weight thing - two people on a boat trying to keep it steady - the balance also comes from the weight of the bodies.)
I started preparing for the call and imagining possibilities while i was in therapy. I did not have any hope that we would be normal again. The relief and happiness was more from the fact that i had made up my mind to not let it be. I had seen her drowning so i will forever look for a buoy.
I called her much before i thought i would.
Said she picked up because she thought something happened to mummy and cut the call.
I felt good hearing her voice though.
I think i should use another line the next time. Who asks 'are you okay?' anyway!
Mother was really very happy when i told her that i had called Sister. She asked me what she said. I told her that she picked up because she thought something had happened to Mother. We laughed at this. It was funny, it sounded like she preferred 'something happening to Mother' than a call i made to her just to ask how she was.
During therapy, while i was imagining the possible responses that Sister would give me, i was already imagining her taking offence that i called her not because i felt it but because it came up during therapy. Ish then asked me why i would mention that at all. It was me trying to evade responsibility. Yes, that sounded true.
But i just want to know who is drawing these pictures!
But what surprised me was that it would be linked to Sister. I had thought if they were related when Ish introduced Sister into the session. But she took me by surprise when she said that the whole thing had its origin in Sister. 'Oh!' i exclaimed. Ish said that it was lying bare over there, all the facts required to piece the puzzle together. I couldn't see it though. I still can't, to a large extent. That probably means i don't like the idea that it had its origin in Sister.
But it sounded true when Ish spelt it out for me, reminded me how i wanted to look like her, my first memory of fat shaming comments is from this nun who asked me if i was eating all the food Mother made and not giving Sister her share. Oh did i tell you that i get confused between Sister's and my handwriting? That's because i studied hers and copied it so that mine looks exactly like hers. I did not forsee the difficulty it would create later for myself to tell between the two. Feeling secretly happy that that was how it was.
From the previous session, what had shocked me like anything was me making an awful drawing when i was asked to make one on my relationship with Sister. (I'd drawn her slitting my wrist and had said that Sister was helping me die when Ish asked me what it was.) It's not the possible explanation that Ish gave that blew my mind. It was that action of me drawing it. I had not gone there knowing she would ask me to draw anything. And then i drew something and i was told that it possibly meant something that was relevant to me and then when i thought that i had drawn something that made Ish say that, that still kind of gives me a jolt. Well, i was in for more.
Oh i again forgot why i make the sister character die in all my films. Is it because i don't want to think of it? And why on earth do i keep forgetting this tiny piece!
Ish again asked me to draw what i felt about our relationship. And yet again, i produced a drawing that i did not even know existed in me. I really felt i was acting in a horror movie. There is no explanation to why i drew Sister and me on a boat and then the boat capsizing and me hanging on to the top of the side that's up in the air and Sister almost fully in water hanging dangerously at the sinking end of the boat.
When Ish talked looking at that picture, i was overwhelmed with a mix of joy and disbelief. This sublimated to tenderness in some time. She told me that it could indicate that i thought the broken relationship between her and me is affecting her more than it was affecting me. Truer words had not been spoken. From that point i started feeling like what i imagine mother hens feel. Or human mothers feel. Like spreading my wings so that Sister could feel safe under it. I remembered how i always felt she was so alone, how i didn't particularly like any of her friends, how she is all alone, so far away from me, with all that hatred denying her my love. As these emotions surged in my mind, a very definite answer emerged out of it. I should speak with her.
Of course, i am scared that she is going to hurt me again. But her end of the boat was sinking and i couldn't care less about my clothes getting wet if i tried to help her.
The drawing also could be displaying how i consider our relationship to be a strong balancing thing in my life and hers. (Back home, i couldn't but help resist the thought that it was again a weight thing - two people on a boat trying to keep it steady - the balance also comes from the weight of the bodies.)
I started preparing for the call and imagining possibilities while i was in therapy. I did not have any hope that we would be normal again. The relief and happiness was more from the fact that i had made up my mind to not let it be. I had seen her drowning so i will forever look for a buoy.
I called her much before i thought i would.
Said she picked up because she thought something happened to mummy and cut the call.
I felt good hearing her voice though.
I think i should use another line the next time. Who asks 'are you okay?' anyway!
Mother was really very happy when i told her that i had called Sister. She asked me what she said. I told her that she picked up because she thought something had happened to Mother. We laughed at this. It was funny, it sounded like she preferred 'something happening to Mother' than a call i made to her just to ask how she was.
During therapy, while i was imagining the possible responses that Sister would give me, i was already imagining her taking offence that i called her not because i felt it but because it came up during therapy. Ish then asked me why i would mention that at all. It was me trying to evade responsibility. Yes, that sounded true.
But i just want to know who is drawing these pictures!
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