I had not written the notes from the previous therapy. It had been a busy week. Being around the farmers, marching all the way from their homes to Bombay, in thousands, spending a night and a day with them - it made me feel alive.
The previous session was the one in which i had got scared that Ish would succeed in making me hate her. I had also told her that i was saying that to feel less responsible in case that happened. When i saw that Ish had noted this remark, i became aware of it. I felt guilty.
We had spoken about Sister in the previous session. Ish said that she noticed that i had written to sister that our relationship was important for her also. I saw it when Ish invited my attention to it. That was me trying to assure myself that she needed me as much as i needed her. Ideally, that was not required for love. A relationship can work only if both the people intend to make it work. When Ish said that, i felt a little sad, it could mean that we might never be together again, Sister and i.
I told Ish i had plans. I do. I am still working on them. Mother should be asked to join. Family should perhaps be the glue to be applied to broken families.
I should go back to making notes on therapy sessions on the same day. It is becoming difficult to remember.
I remember Ish pointing out how 'She' had power over me. I hated it that it was always she who got to decide things. When to talk, how long to talk. She could leave anytime. Now that i am working for her, i am always getting scolded by her. And sometimes it hurts. I cry a lot. Then resolve not to talk to her every again. But do. Of course i talk to her.
There is something i said to her in the past one week that i felt really bad about. Not about saying it to her but because it was true. I told her that i didn't report to her about going to IIT because i was scared that she would convince me not to go. She told me you missed opportunities due to work and i said no to a talk in another place in Bombay. It is true that one cannot take time out of work to do their stuff. But i feel i can, because it is her.
During the week, the glass breaking on my foot. For a moment, that feeling of watching blood gush out. Like really gush out - it never gushes out like that when you try to slit your vein. Because we are cowards who get scared of the thin skin over there. The visible veins.
When blood was gushing out of me, and i was feeling faint, more than how much i feel faint when i try to slit my wrists, i wondered what would happen if i didn't do anything. If a vein had got cut and i was just to sit there, Vai Vow would be back only much later. Days later. Han would come late at night. Would it have made the job easy for me? It hurt me when i thought of that.
Like, that sadness that i had when i returned from the hospital in Calcutta after the attempt in 2015, this cloud casting a dark shadow on your eyelids saying you know how it is that you are going to end - it took me there for a split second. Then, bleeding subsided and i got to understand the cut and see that vein was fine.
I decided not to tell Vai Vow because he would worry. I shot a film with all that blood i got. But today (15th March, 2018) i blurted it out to Mummy. Yesterday i'd told inji. At least, there i have the excuse that i was actually in pain and couldn't work so had to tell her that. But with Mummy, i did that because i wanted to feel cared for. At the expense of her peace of mind. Felt so ashamed after cutting the call. Next time, try harder. Oh yeah, Mother told Vai Vow and he got worried and called me so i felt even more miserable.
Such things make me feel different from Inji and like a needy child. Every time i imagine what inji would do. She wouldn't have told anyone. Appachan didn't tell Amma when he fell and wounded himself. And that was such a lovely relationship. Inji does not take sick leaves and goes through pain. Then i feel disappointed with myself.
Wrote Sister another mail with this in the body.
'You are very important to me. This relationship is very important to me whether or not it's like that for you. So i will keep trying to get you back. It is only natural.'
I should stop worrying about my relationship with my partner. I start worrying every time i am around Han, like now. I don't like that feeling.
Inji told me that i worked like men. I expected other people to clean up after me. That was true, that was what happened when i missed shifts and didn't do stories on time. She compared me with men like Deep who gave me a hard time by not cleaning up after themselves. If that was what i was doing to her, i really had to stop it. Trying. Not succeeding much but trying.
I felt good about making fish curry and eating all of it and not gaining weight.
The previous session was the one in which i had got scared that Ish would succeed in making me hate her. I had also told her that i was saying that to feel less responsible in case that happened. When i saw that Ish had noted this remark, i became aware of it. I felt guilty.
We had spoken about Sister in the previous session. Ish said that she noticed that i had written to sister that our relationship was important for her also. I saw it when Ish invited my attention to it. That was me trying to assure myself that she needed me as much as i needed her. Ideally, that was not required for love. A relationship can work only if both the people intend to make it work. When Ish said that, i felt a little sad, it could mean that we might never be together again, Sister and i.
I told Ish i had plans. I do. I am still working on them. Mother should be asked to join. Family should perhaps be the glue to be applied to broken families.
I should go back to making notes on therapy sessions on the same day. It is becoming difficult to remember.
I remember Ish pointing out how 'She' had power over me. I hated it that it was always she who got to decide things. When to talk, how long to talk. She could leave anytime. Now that i am working for her, i am always getting scolded by her. And sometimes it hurts. I cry a lot. Then resolve not to talk to her every again. But do. Of course i talk to her.
There is something i said to her in the past one week that i felt really bad about. Not about saying it to her but because it was true. I told her that i didn't report to her about going to IIT because i was scared that she would convince me not to go. She told me you missed opportunities due to work and i said no to a talk in another place in Bombay. It is true that one cannot take time out of work to do their stuff. But i feel i can, because it is her.
During the week, the glass breaking on my foot. For a moment, that feeling of watching blood gush out. Like really gush out - it never gushes out like that when you try to slit your vein. Because we are cowards who get scared of the thin skin over there. The visible veins.
When blood was gushing out of me, and i was feeling faint, more than how much i feel faint when i try to slit my wrists, i wondered what would happen if i didn't do anything. If a vein had got cut and i was just to sit there, Vai Vow would be back only much later. Days later. Han would come late at night. Would it have made the job easy for me? It hurt me when i thought of that.
Like, that sadness that i had when i returned from the hospital in Calcutta after the attempt in 2015, this cloud casting a dark shadow on your eyelids saying you know how it is that you are going to end - it took me there for a split second. Then, bleeding subsided and i got to understand the cut and see that vein was fine.
I decided not to tell Vai Vow because he would worry. I shot a film with all that blood i got. But today (15th March, 2018) i blurted it out to Mummy. Yesterday i'd told inji. At least, there i have the excuse that i was actually in pain and couldn't work so had to tell her that. But with Mummy, i did that because i wanted to feel cared for. At the expense of her peace of mind. Felt so ashamed after cutting the call. Next time, try harder. Oh yeah, Mother told Vai Vow and he got worried and called me so i felt even more miserable.
Such things make me feel different from Inji and like a needy child. Every time i imagine what inji would do. She wouldn't have told anyone. Appachan didn't tell Amma when he fell and wounded himself. And that was such a lovely relationship. Inji does not take sick leaves and goes through pain. Then i feel disappointed with myself.
Wrote Sister another mail with this in the body.
'You are very important to me. This relationship is very important to me whether or not it's like that for you. So i will keep trying to get you back. It is only natural.'
I should stop worrying about my relationship with my partner. I start worrying every time i am around Han, like now. I don't like that feeling.
Inji told me that i worked like men. I expected other people to clean up after me. That was true, that was what happened when i missed shifts and didn't do stories on time. She compared me with men like Deep who gave me a hard time by not cleaning up after themselves. If that was what i was doing to her, i really had to stop it. Trying. Not succeeding much but trying.
I felt good about making fish curry and eating all of it and not gaining weight.
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