Sunday, 29 October 2017

Sex Life And Related Problems Start | Shrink Tales

I had forgotten the assignment that had been given for the previous week. In the previous session, Ish had explained what i had to do. I was to make a picture postcard, addressed to a person or people i absolutely hated. There had to be a picture and on the side for message, some words that i would want to write. 

The strangest thing was that i thought of many people i say i hate, many people i have every reason to hate and yet i just couldn’t find anyone. I have always thought of myself as a person who disliked all people. I like very few people. I can tolerate a small number of people and can talk to even less, i think. Even then somehow my search engine gave no results throughout the week. 
Since my phone was gone for almost a week, i had not been able to speak with Mother. Ish, my therapist had said that i was doing good, initiating conversation with mother. Sleep cycle changed a lot the previous couple of weeks because Deep and Han were at my place. My partner was away on a shoot and we hardly spoke. 

The day i went to the psychiatrist, the strangest thing happened. 

There wasn’t much to speak about to the doctor. It was just a routine check-up. She reduced the dosage of one of the pills – Lithium. Again, she looked at me and said that i was looking good. This again made me think that she was talking about my body. Every time people said that i looked good after looking at me like that, it meant that i had gained weight. It didn’t affect me as much as it usually does. It still remains a thought that i frequent when in the mood to brood. 

But at the psychiatrist’s, i tried to sleep a bit while waiting for the patient before me to leave. After the consultation, i felt that i only wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to go to office. After getting off at Goregaon station i thought if i should take the path that went to my office or the one to my home. I went home and it was shocking for me. That i did that. I missed a day’s work. But it wasn’t to stop there. 
After reaching home i mailed office that i wasn’t feeling well and that i would like to work from home for two days. I did not work. I didn’t write a word. I slept and watched a serial. Oh, you should all watch that one by the way. It's the Danish series called 'The Killing'. 

That night LJ asked me to go for the protest in Delhi by Pinjra Tod – the one in front of the Supreme Court. I booked a ticket. And then i started freaking out. It was not about my safety. I always go to protests preparing myself for death. But the thought in my mind was that it would disrupt my schedule of not working. I didn’t want an aberration. I felt so ashamed that when Hadiya was in a room, not being able to even talk to anyone, i was thinking of my silly existential problems. I cancelled the ticket soon after even while knowing that i wouldn’t get a refund – it is a strange thing for me to do because i am someone who worries about money a lot – like all of India’s middle class. 

During therapy last week, i had shared my problems with sex with Ish. The thing about it is that i don’t even know if it is a problem. What i know is that i am annoyed by it. Maybe writing about it will give me some clarity. 

I don’t think that the urge to have sex is natural for me. 

That urge, that has something to do with my genitals was always about masturbation. 

I absolutely hate that now it is more about penetration. 

Why? Because penetration by penis is not something that i discovered by myself. It was forced on me and was normalized and turned pleasurable by repeated abuse. 

I hate it that i think of men (and women) sexually once i establish some kind of closeness with them. It is as if i want to check and see how it would be like to have sex with them. I can’t even bring myself to believe that i am such a person. 

Ish tried a lot to tell me that it was natural. The problem here is not that i think women who feel this way are inferior in some way. My problem is that i was not  like that and turned into that. Since my transformation happened through a series of abusive relationships that were largely sexual, i think this part of me was never a part of me and is a work of many abusers. I hate that. 

Earlier, such instances where i feel physically attracted to men have resulted in me having sex with them. This again had led to more heartaches and depression. Since me and my partner are in a monogamous relationship i don’t want to end up in yet another situation like that. However, what keeps me from doing it is just my partner. I don’t want to hurt him. That makes me think why it is that i am not indulging in this behaviour because it’s something i don’t want as a person? 

I was tense this week. My bunking office and sleeping like i was in SRFTI (film school) scared me. It was as if something in the air was constantly telling me that something was wrong.

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