I realized i wasn’t ready to talk about my weight problems
and eating habits. I was just not ready to put it on the list - of things
to address. And guess what, i came back home and at night my partner showed me
a video from film school where i was dancing in my room and i realized that i
had put on weight. Since then my mood has shifted back to those from the dreadful times
when i couldn’t stop eating. When i couldn’t walk because i had too much food inside
me, when i just couldn’t do anything. Oh my god. That time when i went to a gym in
Kolkata. That time when i tried exercising. Even as i type i am welling up.
Just because i saw an earlier video of mine in which i appeared thinner. I am
now going to on Facebook and delete the recent photo i uploaded when i was so
happy that the Hadiya case was moving in a hopeful direction. Probably will end
up deleting all the photos in my phone too.
Ish asked me to remind my psychiatrist of this weight issue
when i mentioned how i kept two weighing scales at home. That reminds me. Let
me re-re-re-check my weight in the second weighing scale.
The most hopeful part of that day's therapy was when Ish told
me that depression could be shut off forever. It came up because i had been
shocked the week before when she had said that it was also her job to make surethat it didn’t come back. It was possible, she said. Usually people kept
conditions like ‘i won’t take pills but i can be at therapy’ – this one is just
like Mother. She also stopped going for therapy later. In fact people, like
how Mother did with me, might even discourage people from doing it. She was very upset when she
heard that i had gone to a therapist in Kolkata. The issue was my eating habits
at that point of time. There was nothing wrong, that was how all people were, she
had said. No, Mother, all people are not like that. We are all, as a
family, used to such abnormalities and self-punishment that we feel that
it is normal.
We did a flashback session in which Ish spoke about the
major developments in each of our sessions so far. There was a turning point
where i realized that the repeated abusive relationships could have come from
the normalization of violence in my childhood and life. In fact, i am very
thankful to Ish for having recognized that as a serious problem. She herself
was surprised, she said, that it was not enough for me to have got abused once,
that i went back again and again to different forms of violence in different
relationships. I feel so much relieved every time i think of the moment from my
first session with Ish, when she said that she would like to start by
addressing my recurring abusive relationships. It was an area that only Inji
had touched till then. No professional had correctly identified that problem.
It was always as if i was waiting for them to identify it and make it go away
but when they didn’t figure it out themselves, i deluded myself saying it
wasn’t probably important. I thought of Mother’s and Sister’s opinion that it
was happening because i had ‘a thing’ for older men. These are educated women,
one, a journalist who even writes about abuse. Imagine the horror!
She also reminded how i always looked up to my sister and how, i always wanted to be like her. Yes, i copied her handwriting, her words, her way of speaking and everything i could because she was the best. But later, when i saw that she was doing things that i couldn't copy, things that i didn't want to copy, it occurred to me that i no longer had anyone to copy. Maybe that's why i stuck to inji like a magnet. Today, i pursue inji's character with the same vigour i pursued my sister's character. That made me wonder why i always wanted someone to emulate. Was it common?
This reminded me of Mother. While growing up, after puberty, when i started voicing my opinions, i used to find it really annoying when Mother said that she didn't want us (me and Sister) to be like her. I remember getting angry with her even, for always speaking like that. I selfishly wanted a mother who asked their children to be like her, because she was the best. I hated that she had no respect for herself. And look at me now.
I think in the next session i should talk about my sex life
that got affected. [If it is okay to speak about it during therapy.] The way i am ashamed of being sexually aroused by things
that were part of abuse and i got introduced to because of and during abuse.
It’s dreadful. I remember a victim of child sexual abuse once telling me
that it was a common phenomenon, after i made the film in solidarity with
Memories of a Machine. This may also explain why i feel a lot guilty in my
relationship with my partner. Sexually.
Over the sessions we had also touched upon the kind of love i
wanted. The kind of love i had. Spoke about Appan. Who never hurt me. About
what i thought was motherly love and how i broke that stereotype by
understanding that was just a name i had given the love i wanted.
She asked me when my self hurting methods had started. I
told her about the time when i had scored 85% in math in high school and was
scared that Mother would beat me or yell at me for that. That was when i firstran a razor blade over my wrist. I remember going home and making some more
superficial cuts. I also just remembered that i had the habit of doing stuff
like that for apparently no reason too. I remember dripping wax from a candle
on my fist to experience that pain. I remember striking my thumb with a stapler
just to ‘see if it would hurt.’ These had no triggers, like a poor score in an
exam or sadness.
The next time i scarred myself like crazy was when i heard
of Appan. He was losing his memory. I knew that this was the first in the
series of things that was going to lead to his death. I thought of him, sitting in the
room where i had stuck some of his sketches on the brick wall and scarred my
wrist – all superficial cuts, just enough to let me bleed. That was the day i
started preparing for his death.
I remembered how i had broken a bangle and scarred myself in
front of Mother when she and i were having one of our arguments. Ish asked me
what i felt during those. Frustration. When i thought of it, even though i
don’t even remember what the fight was about, i got that feeling i get when
people don’t understand what i say. She said that it could be because they
weren’t yet there. That made sense to me. I too, have come a long way. I do
understand things i never understood when i was younger. It could also be that
the other person was shunning me. Could that be intentional, i asked, thinking
of Mother. ‘Could be,’ she said. They could be doing it also to protect
themselves. From the truth or pain of realization.
I totally loved that. I no
longer feel frustrated. I no longer feel like wringing my body like a cloth
till every word that will help others understand how i feel will drip out of my
body. Instead, when i think of people who have put me in such positions, i feel
sorry, that i even tried so much. Every time i tried, maybe Mother was getting
hurt. Or trying hard, not to listen and tried to shun me in ways that hurt me.
I feel like hugging Mother now. [Maybe because she isn’t here now. Why don’t
you call her, i ask myself. ‘No, that wouldn’t make any sense.’ I will write a
mail. I know. Hey Gmail, are you hiring?
I also spoke of how i viewed therapy. How i could see and
feel changes. Like how i laughed more, or joked more. There is no
desperation about the sexual harassment battle or any battle. There is no
thoughts of giving up. How i felt happy that my partner was less burdened with
my sadness. Feeling responsible for Mother. The way in which i was handling the
situation.
Ish then said that hurting my body was part of human beings’
strategy of being hard on themselves. All our social values and morals etc.
taught us to be kind to others, loving to others [Was Jesus a conspiracy of
moral science?] It does not teach us to love ourselves. When she said that, my
hopes diminished. It was true. If there ever was a lesson called ‘love oneself’
i was absent in it. Or, it could also be that it wasn’t taught
properly. Facebook is always flooded with images of women who say ‘in love with
myself’ i don’t think i can ever do that with my whole heart. I got scared that
i wouldn’t be able to solve the self harming problem because i was sure that i
wouldn’t succeed in loving myself in the manner that Ish was talking about. She
further explained that we turned to our bodies because that was ALL WE HAD.
That made perfect sense to me.
Mother, sister, abuser, venomous words and verbal fights
could only help so much. Beyond that, i would have to turn to something i had
absolute control over because i possessed it. I HAD my body. I could do
anything to it. I clench my fist as if to hit someone when i think of it. Get
visions of a knife running through my leg exposing blood and flesh. Many more
bloody images flash. To think that i had something that i could do stuff to,
the power it gave me, it must be really soothing to my brain that i had control
over something. That there was one thing i could abuse. For once,
i could be nasty as abusers were to me to someone. Something – my body.
Whenever i write ‘my body,’ you know what i think of? A sack. Filled with
potatoes or something. It’s just a thing i carry, i feel.
[Read Raya’s update the same day. Commented there.]
Ish’s method of joining feminism in therapy
was really good. I thought of NN's mother who she said was a therapist. Her views on things had scared me. It's not about feminism either. It is about dealing with victims. Professionally. Even when i am an atheist i should be able to deal with Mother's problems regarding her faith.
The sketches i had made for Sanghadita upon Inji's request got published. One day Mother abused Inji and pappu and baby and i thought it was because she had seen those illustrations. I felt horrible and the wound is sore. I need to get out of the frustration to be able to help Mother. I am the strongest and i have the most love. I really long for Mother. There is just this wall in between. I should start making tools to break it.
During the week i thought of an abuser’s psychology.
Wouldn’t it be great if i could figure them out? I think it is important to
understand their psychology just as i try to understand all aspects of a victim's psychology.
No comments:
Post a Comment