Monday, 31 July 2017

Dreams, Yellow Notebook, June, July, Bombay

  • Dream in which Appachan was taking me to a mental hospital. Anil maman and Beena aunty were in the car. I was noticing how abusive Anil maman was when he spoke to Beena aunty. All the while, i was trying to understand if it was day or night. I thought something and it turned out to be the other. It was scary how Appachan was betraying me. [By taking me to the mental hospital] He was not with me. Why?
  • Dream: I went out telling Vai Viw that i'd be back in 5 minutes. Part from office met me at a kind of place like Calcutta High Court. There he started flirting and i did not object. Did not object even when he kissed me on my head. We were sort of cuddling also. Feel so yucky even writing it. Then someone who knows me and Vai Vow sees us. I tell Part that i have a lover and that we live in the same SRFTI hostel. Now it seems that the location was SRFTI. I rush back to Vai Vow. I see Sethuvamma and Kunju Thalona on the way. I deduce that something is wrong and that they have been alerted for the same reason. In the room i see Vai Vow trembling and making frantic phone calls. I hug him and comfort him saying that nothing has happened. I apologize for being so late. I am at the same time scared that the person who saw Part and me earlier has told Vai Vow hosw close were acting in the court balcony. I repeatedly tell him that nothing has happened and that everything is fine.

[I hate it that i am still having these kind of dreams. It's even more pathetic now. The guys are turning into absolute strangers. Not even like Sal when i had the dream of me kissing him.]

  • Tia and i both get some sort of disease. Our bodies get red spots and it hurts and burns. It's like flesh burning. I apply ice on it and it heals for a while. Then on Tia, the veins start showing under the skin. Veins start bulging. I apply ice on it. It seems like it is working but suddenly a vein bursts open. My veins have started behaving the same way. I am unable to decide if i should still try and save her or myself. At the end of the dream i thin i was about to leave or had already left Tia on the road and was running with blood streaming down my arms.
  • Vai Vow and i are in a hospital. I am taken by someone somewhere. When i come back i see that Vai Vow is not there. I start searching and i am almost sure that he is sleeping under one of the bags or a bundle. I keep that place for later and when i do search in there in the end, it is someone else sleeping. [in the film avoid showing the face of he person, which is supposed to make them understand that it is not Vai Vow.] I am desperate. Scared. Start searching the whole hospital but Vai Vow has disappeared.
  • Rahu from office. I am sleeping and Roshn from office is my roommate. [Just remembered a scene in which she asked me to trim her anal hair and i did. She was behaving as if it was the most normal thing.] Part calling me by another name. I say thrice that my name is kunjila. A girl from office - in reality there is no girl like that - comes to the room. I pretend to be asleep. Rahu does not even check if i am asleep. He fucks the girl. Later i ask Roshn if that office girl was Rahu's wife. She says no and also says something to the effect that everyone knows that they are having an affair. I am relieved that it was not a secret that i witnessed. I confirm that Rahu is an asshole with this incident.
  • Kunju Thalona and i living together in a house. Me asked to take care of a young cancer patient. I have to do something with a plant's roots. I am shown how to do what by a christian family. I am scared that i destroyed the roots while examining them. It seems to be an area around Providence Women's College, Calicut. I see someone i make out to be Rosily aunty over there. We are all standing (there are many other young candidates for the post) like in a prayer meeting and singing or something. There is a scene in some kind of restaurant which could be the juice shop at Chevayur junction. Han, Deep etc. are there and we are all talking when i suddenly ask myself why i am in Chevayur. Wasn't i at home with Kunju Thalona a while ago. Then i remember i was sleeping. Someone (I now suspect Han) had asked me to go to Chevayur. I had done all of this in my sleep. I frantically call Kunju Thalona. She will now be mad at me. I'm sure. I remember I'd seen her phone at the house while leaving and hoping she's in the house and that i hadn't locked her out, i call her. She picks and starts yelling at me. I cry in front of everyone at the shop and ask her to forgive me. 'I only have you here. Don't you know that?' She asks. 
  • ^ In the same sleep i had a dream in which i orgasmed. Don't remember what it was about. Just remembered that Hamn was in the dream. I hugged her and congratulated her. She was on her way to some TV programme and she had tears of joy.
  • Very terrifying dream. Vai Vow and i live in Bombay. I am taking part in some sort of online discussion or something. It's all BBC people. One of the people seem to be paraplegic to me. BBC panelists start questioning this man. He wants to know why they are asking these personal questions, their privacy policy etc. It is not yet my turn to speak but i observe in awe this man fighting.

    Then i am at some sort of big traffic junction in Bombay. There, i ring the bell, i see a person, a fair, tall man going towards a huge house. He seems very familiar to me. I am certain that he is the man who was in the BBC discussion. He has just had a fight with the auto driver and is marching towards his house and shuts the door with a bang. I am in two minds but run behind him and ring the bell. An annoyed him opens the door. I hesitantly ask him 'Are you' He says 'what?' arrogantly. I say 'BBC are you.' He says 'What are you talking about?' I say 'were you on BBC today morning?' He stops for a while and smiles and says 'How do you know?' I tell him that i was there as a silent listener. He says 'oh!' I say that i wanted to tell him how in awe i was. I wish i could've said something etc. i say. 'They were really atrocious and i did all i could' he says, rather modestly. 'Well it was a lot, what you did,' i say.

    He continues smiling and asks if I want to have coffee. Alarm bells ring inside me and I quickly think and say no. He is still smiling and looking at me and I feel he is an asshole. I am not sure for a while what to do and I am still there standing looking at him his phone rings and he picks it up and says 'no I am not back yet there in a minute.' He then looks at me and ask again if I am sure I don't want to have coffee. This time I really feel that he is an asshole and I hardly say no and I leave. He shuts the door. I walk back a bit but something in me ask me to go back. I go back and when I look through the door i see that he is standing right there and waiting to open the door. I am terrified and I run back I am now sure that he was not the man i saw on BBC and I want to go back to go back home immediately and tell Vai Vow what happened. But that night there is a party at this friend's house. She is actually Vai Vow's friend and I have a feeling that he likes her. When I go back home I see that Vai Vow is texting someone and he tells me that it is the same girl and that we had to go to this girl's party or something like that. I suspect that they have gotten back together. I mention the man on BBC and what happened at the big house at the big junction.

    The girl we are going to is the daughter of some important person like a judge or something. There I tell Vai Vow that this happened and in the dream I actually spoke something which was going to give away that I had this encounter with this man. I come to know that this girl with whom Vai Vowwas talking is actually this man's girlfriend and they're living together and the conversation that he had had with me in front of me saying that he is going to be back in sometime was with this girl the girl also realizes this. All of us panic. I hear a joke that's being cracked at one of the tables. This man and the girl's father were joking about this girl who had come and had asked him if he was on BBC and how he thought that he could sleep with her and everything. They all laugh all the judges and all the important people at the party.
  • Sabari (SRFTI) Karthik (school friend) Ms Sunith (school teacher) Ms Sunith is giving a class or kalarippayatu training. I keep delaying. Sabari is attending it.
  • S (SRFTI classmate) spotted in a jeep. Some place like campus. People are sitting in groups. When i pass they point their fingers at me and make noise as if making fun of me. They are trying to provoke me to do something. Then i notice that the one in the middle, leading them is Nilot. Majum. ex dean.
  • Appachan dies. He entrusts me with certain memories before he died. On a bus. This becomes my novel but it is extremely painful and i am depressed. Somehow chechi comes to help. Nothing is helping though. She says that Salma is still harassing her. I am deeply saddened. No rage. Just sad. Something about Appachan's biscuits. In the dream i am thinking about weight.
  • Dream: Death of papaji
    My father has died and we (Sethuvamma, Kunju Thalona and my cousins) are going to the funeral. It is like a film in which Sethuvamma is narrating their love story. When certain incidents happen in the car she laughs. Later in flashback we see that the same sentence was said by some character (nothing funny about it in the past) Use this in films. We go to sites where they'd loved. A house after three rows of steps in the path to it. Sethuvamma remembers a lot. We are given food at a tea shop. Anil maman is taking care of it. He is nice to us unlike in real life. He has a fight with the shop owner regarding what we ate. In the end, me and Kunju Thalona fight. She talks to me like how she talks to me now.


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