Sunday, 22 March 2015

Sunday Brownie

Life was unbearable to begin with.
To top it all my relationship with D Jeet had taken a different turn. I was scared. My habit of subjecting people i like to my own violence was happening with him too. Over the past week i had come to realize that i could talk in length to him, hang out with him etc. This was strange because in more than two years on this campus and more than a year of working with him i had not realized it.

When we went to meet Florence together D Jeet had asked me to gift him a book. There always is a list of 'giftable' books with me. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass and the Little Prince are about it. I thought of going to College Street where you only have old books shops. Was lazy and settled for the ones in Gariahat. I got the Little Prince and wrote
'To D Jeet, so that you learn, love, laugh and live. 
Love, me.'
[A day ago he had said that all he wanted to do in his life was to learn.]

During the day he was again running away from me and i couldn't give it to him. While i was talking to him at night i got up from my chair like i was possessed and rode my bicycle to Lake Market, where D lived. Incidentally my topic of discussion with my shrink the previous week was 'impulsive nature'. No shrink was helping me none. Evidently.

So around midnight i cycled around ten kilometers to reach the alley from which i could see his room. 'Come out', i texted him. He must have got the shock of his life. Said that i had gone mad. Oh there was no denying that. I gave him the book and cycled back.

Back in the room i told him about my problem with violence, invasion of space etc. He didn't seem to understand so i told him that it was better we stayed away from each other for some time. I couldn't hurt one more person.

The next day i asked Sri out on a date. I felt like spending some time with her. She refused.
Not talking to D was turning out to be more difficult than i imagined. I was missing him terribly.
I tried baking brownies on the OTG she gifted me. Added too much vanilla essence and it went bad.
When i got up on Sunday morning i was determined to be brave and push my idiosyncrasies away. I only had brownie' in my mind.

It was in March 2015 that i realized that i missed being in love. I missed me in love. And love was a distant dream. I had none left after all those years of neglect i subjected my mind and body to. This time the brownies were good.

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