It is a pact I have with her. A bond that says that we will be together always. No matter what. In that, it is similar to what I have with my mother. She will be my side no matter what. That's what mothers are there for.
I take pride in her. That no one can understand what we have between us. Irrational. Inexplicable. When I think of what she and I have, excitement mounts. Like in new found love.
I still remember missing her call, waiting for her call, how my heart skipped a beat when I see the + sign before a number. That's how calls from her looked like. If that's not love, what is?
I know that there is a connection. I know that she is the only person who will be able to understand me. Like during the keyboard stealing. She was the ONLY person who understood. That's the faith I have in her.
The feeling is of warmth. The picture I once drew in therapy. It was that of my mother with me like i remember from an old photo of mine. When i shared it on Facebook, she made it her cover picture or something. It's things like that that i understand that she understands. How else did she understand by seeing that picture that it defined a hell of a lot of things for me?
Going through my old therapy notes, i found a drawing that had come as a surprise to me during one of the sessions. The one that i drew when Ish asked me to talk about my relationship with my sister. It was that of a sinking boat. When i thought of her in the light of what happened between us, i felt i should draw it again, this time, about us. This time, she was the sinking person. Unlike in the picture of my sister, there is a treasure trove under the water that is enticing her.
With great difficulty, i have come to accept the fact that she can be enticed by things i don't understand. Things she might choose over me. Like in the picture, i don't understand what can be more valuable than getting saved by me, taking my extended arm. But for her, it is a magic world and it is beautiful.
I was talking to Calico about her and told him how the only thing i couldn't believe was that if it was her child, she would have done the same thing. So this only proves me wrong in one way. I used to think that she would behave with me the way she behaved with her own child. But it is too big a thing to ask of a person. And i was wrong to believe it possible.
There is a primary condition for stages of grief to happen. Something has to cease existing. For me, it's never ceasing to exist. I gave it a thought when Ish asked me, exasperated,'what is this thing?' I know. I take pride in the fact that she and i are a force to reckon with. Someone i have great respect for is taking a bow and saying she wants to run away from Us. I consider that a victory and a testimony to the fact that it hasn't ceased.
As to what it is, all i know is that it is love. It is my kind of love. I tasted it once and live in its memory. The memory is enough for me to sustain myself for years. Till it is not alright.
But i feel lost. In all this pride i take in our relationship, i do feel lost. Like i don't know what i am defending or fighting for anymore. Like Ish said, i am fighting for an idea of her i have. The idea of a relationship i claim we have. Sometimes it tires me. It reminds me of the times when i had to defend abusive lovers at home. Abuse metaphors come easily to me, like she pointed out in the scathing mail she wrote me. Saying how good i am in understanding nuances of sexual harassment but not anything else.
I don't understand her and that makes me sad. It makes me frustrated but more sad. I think how come she has me all figured out and i haven't understood parts of her.
All i want is one day with her, the children so that i can live the rest of my life in its memory. When i go to mallu land i will request her to give me that in exactly the same way. I am crying as i write this. Ish would ask me what my tears would say if they could talk. They would probably say, why can't she be kind to me. She who always asks others to be kind. Why am i not worth any kindness? Why am i worthless to her?
Going through my old therapy notes, i found a drawing that had come as a surprise to me during one of the sessions. The one that i drew when Ish asked me to talk about my relationship with my sister. It was that of a sinking boat. When i thought of her in the light of what happened between us, i felt i should draw it again, this time, about us. This time, she was the sinking person. Unlike in the picture of my sister, there is a treasure trove under the water that is enticing her.
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With great difficulty, i have come to accept the fact that she can be enticed by things i don't understand. Things she might choose over me. Like in the picture, i don't understand what can be more valuable than getting saved by me, taking my extended arm. But for her, it is a magic world and it is beautiful.
I was talking to Calico about her and told him how the only thing i couldn't believe was that if it was her child, she would have done the same thing. So this only proves me wrong in one way. I used to think that she would behave with me the way she behaved with her own child. But it is too big a thing to ask of a person. And i was wrong to believe it possible.
There is a primary condition for stages of grief to happen. Something has to cease existing. For me, it's never ceasing to exist. I gave it a thought when Ish asked me, exasperated,'what is this thing?' I know. I take pride in the fact that she and i are a force to reckon with. Someone i have great respect for is taking a bow and saying she wants to run away from Us. I consider that a victory and a testimony to the fact that it hasn't ceased.
As to what it is, all i know is that it is love. It is my kind of love. I tasted it once and live in its memory. The memory is enough for me to sustain myself for years. Till it is not alright.
But i feel lost. In all this pride i take in our relationship, i do feel lost. Like i don't know what i am defending or fighting for anymore. Like Ish said, i am fighting for an idea of her i have. The idea of a relationship i claim we have. Sometimes it tires me. It reminds me of the times when i had to defend abusive lovers at home. Abuse metaphors come easily to me, like she pointed out in the scathing mail she wrote me. Saying how good i am in understanding nuances of sexual harassment but not anything else.
I don't understand her and that makes me sad. It makes me frustrated but more sad. I think how come she has me all figured out and i haven't understood parts of her.
All i want is one day with her, the children so that i can live the rest of my life in its memory. When i go to mallu land i will request her to give me that in exactly the same way. I am crying as i write this. Ish would ask me what my tears would say if they could talk. They would probably say, why can't she be kind to me. She who always asks others to be kind. Why am i not worth any kindness? Why am i worthless to her?
I just cried
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