It was great even thinking of a possibility that there could be a middle path. It was right, what Mother says about me. Vettonnu Muri Randu. It's either black or white. No greys for me. But it is the greys that keep one alive and human.
Why can't i be angry with inji on some days and okay with her on other days. I want everything. And i can't have everything. If i am like a child to inji, i am seeking a mother who will not be like Mother to me. One who does not come with restrictions and warnings and plans. The same irritation i get when mother asks me to join a journalism school to get a degree to be a journalist is what i feel when inji asks me to make ten short films or not make a film for ten years. With my mother i dismiss it easily. With inji, i pile it up onto the mountain i have built out of a molehill that i use as fuel to hate her.
I should love everyone like i love Vai Vow. I get pissed with him when he doesn't clean up. But i love him. I know that he cares for me not matter what. Also, unlike in other relationships, every other relationship, i am not always scared of him abandoning me. I was quick to tell Ish that it wasn't because of the right reasons that i didn't have that fear with Vaibhav. I feel it is about knowing that it will be difficult for him to find someone else. I in fact kind of want him to get married so that he knows that it is possible. I am scared that he is sticking with me because he feels that no one else will fall for him.
Ish told me that the reasons didn't matter. But to be honest, it matters to me. I often imagine him being with someone else and feel bad thinking of how less he will be loved. But is that the truth? Won't he be much much better off with a normal person who loves him unconditionally?
I take abuse because i can never see the middle path. If i tell Deep that he can't take me for granted, i will lose his friendship. He will stop coming to my place. Deep was perhaps the biggest step i made towards health. The extreme happened. We stopped being friends and he hasn't visited since. But i stood my ground and told him that a friendship wasn't healthy if i did not have room to tell him not to do certain things that were bad for me.
I don't fear that i will lose my mother. I did lose my sister just like how i felt i would. But even when there have been extremely bad patches, i have always known that mother will be there for me.
The same way, i shoud know that inji will be there for me no matter what. Because i know that she loves me and cares for me. She might stop talking. She might be in full control of when i can be in touch with her but she will always be there for me.
In abusive relationships, i was asked to do things i didn't like and i did them because i thought they won't stick with me otherwise. If i refused to have sex with this man on train, he would stop loving me.
I have to do everything perfect. When inji praises the work of other girls, i look with pride at their work and feel, that's all she wanted? This is not half as good as what i could have done. Sometimes, people just want things done. Not the perfect way, necessarily. Successful people do not cook grand lunches and dinners every day of the week. It's done on weekends. Other days can have unglamorous food. Rice and dal will fill you up just as well as a biriyani.
Ish did try to take the insight about the middle path into food and i immediately felt a wall of insulation build itself around me. I was eating more. Checking weight less. But on the day of therapy, because i had this conversation, i felt i was cheating on my obsession and checked weight again. It was 1 kilo more than what is ideal. Resolved to eat less. Again.
I can't be somewhere in between x and y kilos. I have to be z kilos. Or else, i have failed. To discipline myself and to be control myself. Ish pointed out that i was better than years ago when i was binging, sweet shop to sweet shop in good old calcutta. I miss calcutta so much.
True. I wasn't binging like that anymore, but i still live in fear that i will go back. Once an addict, always an addict.
Inji went on a vacation and came back. I am still sulking around her.
The week went well. I successfully turned Vai Vow into a football watcher. Noted with glee that his hands go cold when a penalty shoot-out happens. In a purely hypothetical situation, i would like to be proposed with this line 'how would you like to watch the rest of the football world cups together?'
Why can't i be angry with inji on some days and okay with her on other days. I want everything. And i can't have everything. If i am like a child to inji, i am seeking a mother who will not be like Mother to me. One who does not come with restrictions and warnings and plans. The same irritation i get when mother asks me to join a journalism school to get a degree to be a journalist is what i feel when inji asks me to make ten short films or not make a film for ten years. With my mother i dismiss it easily. With inji, i pile it up onto the mountain i have built out of a molehill that i use as fuel to hate her.
I should love everyone like i love Vai Vow. I get pissed with him when he doesn't clean up. But i love him. I know that he cares for me not matter what. Also, unlike in other relationships, every other relationship, i am not always scared of him abandoning me. I was quick to tell Ish that it wasn't because of the right reasons that i didn't have that fear with Vaibhav. I feel it is about knowing that it will be difficult for him to find someone else. I in fact kind of want him to get married so that he knows that it is possible. I am scared that he is sticking with me because he feels that no one else will fall for him.
Ish told me that the reasons didn't matter. But to be honest, it matters to me. I often imagine him being with someone else and feel bad thinking of how less he will be loved. But is that the truth? Won't he be much much better off with a normal person who loves him unconditionally?
I take abuse because i can never see the middle path. If i tell Deep that he can't take me for granted, i will lose his friendship. He will stop coming to my place. Deep was perhaps the biggest step i made towards health. The extreme happened. We stopped being friends and he hasn't visited since. But i stood my ground and told him that a friendship wasn't healthy if i did not have room to tell him not to do certain things that were bad for me.
I don't fear that i will lose my mother. I did lose my sister just like how i felt i would. But even when there have been extremely bad patches, i have always known that mother will be there for me.
The same way, i shoud know that inji will be there for me no matter what. Because i know that she loves me and cares for me. She might stop talking. She might be in full control of when i can be in touch with her but she will always be there for me.
In abusive relationships, i was asked to do things i didn't like and i did them because i thought they won't stick with me otherwise. If i refused to have sex with this man on train, he would stop loving me.
I have to do everything perfect. When inji praises the work of other girls, i look with pride at their work and feel, that's all she wanted? This is not half as good as what i could have done. Sometimes, people just want things done. Not the perfect way, necessarily. Successful people do not cook grand lunches and dinners every day of the week. It's done on weekends. Other days can have unglamorous food. Rice and dal will fill you up just as well as a biriyani.
Ish did try to take the insight about the middle path into food and i immediately felt a wall of insulation build itself around me. I was eating more. Checking weight less. But on the day of therapy, because i had this conversation, i felt i was cheating on my obsession and checked weight again. It was 1 kilo more than what is ideal. Resolved to eat less. Again.
I can't be somewhere in between x and y kilos. I have to be z kilos. Or else, i have failed. To discipline myself and to be control myself. Ish pointed out that i was better than years ago when i was binging, sweet shop to sweet shop in good old calcutta. I miss calcutta so much.
True. I wasn't binging like that anymore, but i still live in fear that i will go back. Once an addict, always an addict.
Inji went on a vacation and came back. I am still sulking around her.
The week went well. I successfully turned Vai Vow into a football watcher. Noted with glee that his hands go cold when a penalty shoot-out happens. In a purely hypothetical situation, i would like to be proposed with this line 'how would you like to watch the rest of the football world cups together?'
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