Looking back, i am now wondering why it affected me. I was really small. Must have been in second or third standard. This nun, while passing, joked, are you eating all your sister's food at home? My sister was thin, i wasn't.
When i was as small as that, why did that comment hurt me so much that i stored it for years after that, till now?
In today's session, we spoke a lot about food and me. That's when i realized that food was inherently an abusive substance in my life because that's what made one fat. It makes perfect sense now. For a long time i had not connected these two. Even with that nun's comment, i was the one who actually ate less in the house. My sister ate more. Till seventeen or so, i never thought that what i ate contributed to how much i weighed. It sounds weird because i did get an education but honestly the connection was never made.
Till that time when i put on weight in two weeks after eating a different set of food for two weeks because mother was gone. In the excitement of getting to spend the money on food that i otherwise wouldn't get in that frequency, i bought a lot of stuff from confectionery shops like jam rolls and puffs. I bought a lot of chocolate. I remember the green of Cadbury Temptations. Memories associated with it. Telephone booth where i would phone Lou. Love in the Time of Cholera by Marquez, rehearsals, Vije, his flute and so on.
So when everyone started telling me that i had gained weight after those two weeks, i immediately connected it to the abrupt change in the food i ate. From there started the battle with it. If i had one day found out that it was air that made me fat, i would try to stop breathing.
Now i need to think where i got the idea that fat is not good. I don't think it's just me wanting to look like my sister. That was there of course, because relatives' comments would come as comparisons between her body and mine. But i am sure the popular culture also corrupted me. When it happens during formative years it stays there. That's why in retrospect i remembered that nun's comment.
Ishani told me that food was abusing me when it had control over me. She made me remember the fish story. I was at peace when i was eating by my own, when i was making the decision of putting every morsel in my mouth. But later at night, before washing dishes, when in hurried movements put all that was remaining in my mouth, i felt like a trashcan. Then, food was controlling me. It was making my hands move.
I confided in Ishani about my sexual fantasies that have a submissive me. It took me back to the time when i was getting hit by that man. I remembered him bragging about his play, the portion in which the woman who was acting, who was also the one he was sleeping with, at the time, was thrown off the stage by him, who played her husband.
Being an instrument in the man's hands, being like a child. This whole world's obsession with children as sex objects. With tremendous amount of guilt, i often played into it with my weight obsession. The weight is also about me being handled. You can't curl into the body of a man if you are fat.
I came out of that abusive relationship when i met Jay with whom i entered a relationship two weeks after we met. That is when i realised how easy it was. Like breaking a twig into two, i stepped out of those hotel rooms where i was stuck forever breathing fresh air. It was so effortless because i was drowning in another love, a new love, a different kind of love that was not hurting me. The abrupt manner in which it happened made me think, 'it was this easy?!'
That's when Ish told me that maybe it was possible for me to do that with food as well. Since food is abusing me, because of the way i think right now about my body image, maybe, i can snap out of it by changing the way i think of body image. Establish another kind of relationship with myself.
Ish leads me on a grass pathway that will make me feel less cold while inji takes me right into the cold waters, asking me to cross it. I forgot how we came to this conclusion. I know what it means but in this case, what is the grass pathway that Ish suggested? I forgot.
I have started trying to not look at people's fat when i look at them.
During the week i saw ex abuser's trailer for his feature film. He is becoming part of the industry that i will one day work in. It scares me. Inji told me that it was natural that i got scared. It's been 9 years, hasn't it? Yet, i have only started addressing it.
Talking about food, people putting on weight makes me feel good in a bad way. I like to watch them try things to lose weight and say in my mind, it's not a problem for you anymore. I noticed that i also cook less when there are people around. This week, Han, Vai Vow and later Deep were all there and i couldn't cook. Earlier in hostel i would cook and feed everyone - a period that i associate with me being 56-58 kilos. I assumed it was something to do with my cooking. Then i would cook and feed people but not eat myself. If i ate, i ate very less. But even then i felt that it made me put on weight.
This week, i think i cooked only once. That too because my partner asked me to.
Uff! i got reminded of the times when i would eat in secret, that is away from people. So that they wouldn't see me eat. I didn't want people to see me eat.
Got hurt like crazy seeing people's convocation photos. Cried etc. When i make money i will build a film school where interviews will help ascertain if people are assholes.
When i was as small as that, why did that comment hurt me so much that i stored it for years after that, till now?
In today's session, we spoke a lot about food and me. That's when i realized that food was inherently an abusive substance in my life because that's what made one fat. It makes perfect sense now. For a long time i had not connected these two. Even with that nun's comment, i was the one who actually ate less in the house. My sister ate more. Till seventeen or so, i never thought that what i ate contributed to how much i weighed. It sounds weird because i did get an education but honestly the connection was never made.
Till that time when i put on weight in two weeks after eating a different set of food for two weeks because mother was gone. In the excitement of getting to spend the money on food that i otherwise wouldn't get in that frequency, i bought a lot of stuff from confectionery shops like jam rolls and puffs. I bought a lot of chocolate. I remember the green of Cadbury Temptations. Memories associated with it. Telephone booth where i would phone Lou. Love in the Time of Cholera by Marquez, rehearsals, Vije, his flute and so on.
So when everyone started telling me that i had gained weight after those two weeks, i immediately connected it to the abrupt change in the food i ate. From there started the battle with it. If i had one day found out that it was air that made me fat, i would try to stop breathing.
Now i need to think where i got the idea that fat is not good. I don't think it's just me wanting to look like my sister. That was there of course, because relatives' comments would come as comparisons between her body and mine. But i am sure the popular culture also corrupted me. When it happens during formative years it stays there. That's why in retrospect i remembered that nun's comment.
Ishani told me that food was abusing me when it had control over me. She made me remember the fish story. I was at peace when i was eating by my own, when i was making the decision of putting every morsel in my mouth. But later at night, before washing dishes, when in hurried movements put all that was remaining in my mouth, i felt like a trashcan. Then, food was controlling me. It was making my hands move.
I confided in Ishani about my sexual fantasies that have a submissive me. It took me back to the time when i was getting hit by that man. I remembered him bragging about his play, the portion in which the woman who was acting, who was also the one he was sleeping with, at the time, was thrown off the stage by him, who played her husband.
Being an instrument in the man's hands, being like a child. This whole world's obsession with children as sex objects. With tremendous amount of guilt, i often played into it with my weight obsession. The weight is also about me being handled. You can't curl into the body of a man if you are fat.
I came out of that abusive relationship when i met Jay with whom i entered a relationship two weeks after we met. That is when i realised how easy it was. Like breaking a twig into two, i stepped out of those hotel rooms where i was stuck forever breathing fresh air. It was so effortless because i was drowning in another love, a new love, a different kind of love that was not hurting me. The abrupt manner in which it happened made me think, 'it was this easy?!'
That's when Ish told me that maybe it was possible for me to do that with food as well. Since food is abusing me, because of the way i think right now about my body image, maybe, i can snap out of it by changing the way i think of body image. Establish another kind of relationship with myself.
Ish leads me on a grass pathway that will make me feel less cold while inji takes me right into the cold waters, asking me to cross it. I forgot how we came to this conclusion. I know what it means but in this case, what is the grass pathway that Ish suggested? I forgot.
I have started trying to not look at people's fat when i look at them.
During the week i saw ex abuser's trailer for his feature film. He is becoming part of the industry that i will one day work in. It scares me. Inji told me that it was natural that i got scared. It's been 9 years, hasn't it? Yet, i have only started addressing it.
Talking about food, people putting on weight makes me feel good in a bad way. I like to watch them try things to lose weight and say in my mind, it's not a problem for you anymore. I noticed that i also cook less when there are people around. This week, Han, Vai Vow and later Deep were all there and i couldn't cook. Earlier in hostel i would cook and feed everyone - a period that i associate with me being 56-58 kilos. I assumed it was something to do with my cooking. Then i would cook and feed people but not eat myself. If i ate, i ate very less. But even then i felt that it made me put on weight.
This week, i think i cooked only once. That too because my partner asked me to.
Uff! i got reminded of the times when i would eat in secret, that is away from people. So that they wouldn't see me eat. I didn't want people to see me eat.
Got hurt like crazy seeing people's convocation photos. Cried etc. When i make money i will build a film school where interviews will help ascertain if people are assholes.
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