My comfort zone is failing. I decide on something, as soon as that responsibility is bestowed upon me by someone, i start failing, saying, i can't do it. I won't do it. It has been a pattern. Hasn't it.
When i started playing chess and it became imperative that i won, i gave that up. I still tell myself i did it so that my sister didn't feel bad. But i felt i wasn't as good as others. I didn't want to prove that again by being in the game longer.
I took up painting, never completed any kind of training.
I joined the girl scouts. Quit.
I learned the violin for a year. Quit.
Basketball. Quit.
I decided i wanted to a be a doctor, saw the syllabus and the books at the entrance coaching centre and quit.
Inji's job - said i didn't like it. Quit.
Work under A and K almost quit at least three times. My mail still has saved drafts of quitting letters.
My instinct is to run away from the pain. It hurts so much. Why doesn't anyone understand that? The failure hurts so much i want to put an end to it by not trying. What is the problem in doing that after i have tried my best?
It's true that when people say bad things about my work, they don't mean to say that i am a bad person. But i know people. They are all harbouring feelings of hatred inside for the person as soon as they find a mistake in the work they do. And what good is it being that person about whom people say 'her work sucks but she is an awfully sweet person'? I despise it. Benevolence of love and likeability.
So what if i am angry horrible? Adichie rightly points out that historically anger has resulted in positive change. I am scared i will always have to defend myself in front of powerful others.
These days every session is giving me a picture. Last time it was mimosa, which is on my table wall now. This time it's an apple cart, a structure of building blocks so unstable - it's ready to tumble anytime. I am angry that everything is so tumble ready but the truth is that they are tumble ready because they long for stability. They are more stable when their centre of gravity is closer to the ground. After they fall. That's so sad. That things are not happy in their natural habitat with me.
I hate it that my life revolves around K now. Anxious when she messages, worried if she will scold me. Scared of A scolding me. All the time. In dreams, i have fights with K, stand up to her and say that enough is enough. But in real life, i never do that. It reminds me of all the times i was like that, with men. With Alya - this bully friend i had in college. How i hated balancing her on my scooter. Giving her money. But i never said anything.
When i started playing chess and it became imperative that i won, i gave that up. I still tell myself i did it so that my sister didn't feel bad. But i felt i wasn't as good as others. I didn't want to prove that again by being in the game longer.
I took up painting, never completed any kind of training.
I joined the girl scouts. Quit.
I learned the violin for a year. Quit.
Basketball. Quit.
I decided i wanted to a be a doctor, saw the syllabus and the books at the entrance coaching centre and quit.
Inji's job - said i didn't like it. Quit.
Work under A and K almost quit at least three times. My mail still has saved drafts of quitting letters.
My instinct is to run away from the pain. It hurts so much. Why doesn't anyone understand that? The failure hurts so much i want to put an end to it by not trying. What is the problem in doing that after i have tried my best?
It's true that when people say bad things about my work, they don't mean to say that i am a bad person. But i know people. They are all harbouring feelings of hatred inside for the person as soon as they find a mistake in the work they do. And what good is it being that person about whom people say 'her work sucks but she is an awfully sweet person'? I despise it. Benevolence of love and likeability.
So what if i am angry horrible? Adichie rightly points out that historically anger has resulted in positive change. I am scared i will always have to defend myself in front of powerful others.
These days every session is giving me a picture. Last time it was mimosa, which is on my table wall now. This time it's an apple cart, a structure of building blocks so unstable - it's ready to tumble anytime. I am angry that everything is so tumble ready but the truth is that they are tumble ready because they long for stability. They are more stable when their centre of gravity is closer to the ground. After they fall. That's so sad. That things are not happy in their natural habitat with me.
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| Mimosa |
I hate it that my life revolves around K now. Anxious when she messages, worried if she will scold me. Scared of A scolding me. All the time. In dreams, i have fights with K, stand up to her and say that enough is enough. But in real life, i never do that. It reminds me of all the times i was like that, with men. With Alya - this bully friend i had in college. How i hated balancing her on my scooter. Giving her money. But i never said anything.
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| and people ask me why i am scared of being hugged and touched |
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