Hey you...
Why have you stabbed your own soul in the heart, spilling your own precious blood everywhere? Did it not hurt? Why did you do that to yourself? One day, i would really like to know.
Suicidal thoughts abound. I want to kill myself because i am angry at people who hurt me and i cannot do anything to them. I can do whatever i want to myself. My body is the shit sack that can be cut up anywhere and i don't need to answer to anyone about that. My death is the retribution i want to give those who hurt me. The only way i can win and feel powerful.
Completely broken. Feel shattered to pieces. Like i have to limp and pick myself up the floor to make myself a whole person. I feel dirty. All over smeared with dirt.
I have been told by her in the past that i am abusive and manipulative. There are times when i have thought it to be true about me. This is not one of them. I do believe i have the ability to look at myself objectively and decide if i am doing something or not. In this situation, i am certain i did not manipulate anyone or abuse anyone.
This time, i am being told by a different set of people that i am some kind of maniac whose only goal in life is to escape from situations unscathed - as the good person, as the one who is powerless, helpless, scared. And that scared me because it was in connection with my relationship with these same people that i was sharing with my therapist the fear that i am being abused. Through talking, i realised i am not. I am just working in ways i absolutely don't like because by getting the work done, i will be closer to my bigger goal of making a film. I would naturally have a tendency to think i am being abused because that way i will be rid of responsibility. I agreed. I understood. Now they are saying the same thing about a situation that i absolutely know they have misunderstood. Misinterpreted. And they are saying that i want to feel helpless and scared here to appear to be the good person and escape unscathed out of this situation. It is my worst nightmare.
Now let me consider the possibility that i am denying something because i want to feel helpless. Emerge as the victim in this. It is not making any sense to me. I was accused of something. Now i am going to be in a position to accept responsibility only if i am guilty of something right? The only thing i am guilty of is causing them pain. The same thing they caused me by this whole paranoid act.
Why have you stabbed your own soul in the heart, spilling your own precious blood everywhere? Did it not hurt? Why did you do that to yourself? One day, i would really like to know.
Suicidal thoughts abound. I want to kill myself because i am angry at people who hurt me and i cannot do anything to them. I can do whatever i want to myself. My body is the shit sack that can be cut up anywhere and i don't need to answer to anyone about that. My death is the retribution i want to give those who hurt me. The only way i can win and feel powerful.
Completely broken. Feel shattered to pieces. Like i have to limp and pick myself up the floor to make myself a whole person. I feel dirty. All over smeared with dirt.
I have been told by her in the past that i am abusive and manipulative. There are times when i have thought it to be true about me. This is not one of them. I do believe i have the ability to look at myself objectively and decide if i am doing something or not. In this situation, i am certain i did not manipulate anyone or abuse anyone.
This time, i am being told by a different set of people that i am some kind of maniac whose only goal in life is to escape from situations unscathed - as the good person, as the one who is powerless, helpless, scared. And that scared me because it was in connection with my relationship with these same people that i was sharing with my therapist the fear that i am being abused. Through talking, i realised i am not. I am just working in ways i absolutely don't like because by getting the work done, i will be closer to my bigger goal of making a film. I would naturally have a tendency to think i am being abused because that way i will be rid of responsibility. I agreed. I understood. Now they are saying the same thing about a situation that i absolutely know they have misunderstood. Misinterpreted. And they are saying that i want to feel helpless and scared here to appear to be the good person and escape unscathed out of this situation. It is my worst nightmare.
Now let me consider the possibility that i am denying something because i want to feel helpless. Emerge as the victim in this. It is not making any sense to me. I was accused of something. Now i am going to be in a position to accept responsibility only if i am guilty of something right? The only thing i am guilty of is causing them pain. The same thing they caused me by this whole paranoid act.
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