The Gyanpapi Syndrome | Shrink Tales

Today's session, we spoke mostly about food and body image. It is then that i realised that apart from being a hypocrite, i am also a very nasty person. I consider people who are fat as unhappy. They might have accomplished everything, the best degrees and the best career, but when i look at them, i think that they are all secretly unhappy. Ish asked me if i mistrusted fat people. My partner is not fat but i know him personally and i know that he doesn't give a shit. But those people whom i don't know personally, i just assume that they are hiding their sadness, just like how i was at 55 or 50 kilos.

Projection fallacy of another level.
She pointed out how i felt bad when i learned that this is how i thought about others while i was okay with thinking the same about me. When it is about self, it is all right. Yes, it's always been like that for me.

I have started thinking more and more about food. In terms of helping myself that is.
Why this contradiction that i don't care what people think of me otherwise but i care what they think of me when they look at me?

Every time i feel like eating something, there is this vacillation. To eat or not to eat. To cook or not to cook. I sometimes stop walking on the road and think for some time so that i get clarity, thinking spending energy on walking might be making me go back and forth. Most of the time i decide against eating - this gives me a small relief and a small air of victory.

Whenever i meet someone after a period, my biggest fear is if they will tell me if i have put on weight. Even if the weighing scale shows that i have not, i fear it. Like when i met Amt. He did not tell me that i had put on so i was relieved. That is, my happiness depends on this. It would have been okay if it was in a smaller scale. But in my case a LARGE part of my happiness depends on other people's opinion of my weight.

Like when Ish tells me that i am not anorexic, in my mind i am disappointed. Because to look anorexic is my dream. 

So i am trying to identify my problem here. My problem is that i feel bad when i look heavy. Heavy is a number above 45 kilos now. Earlier it was 50. In college. So the goal is to not feel bad if someone tells me that i have put on weight or that i am fat. Here is the problem. Gyanpapi syndrome, i shall call, in memory of Ish.

I know that it doesn't matter. Like, i don't give a shit when people tell me i am short. There are n number of short me jokes. Complexion - nothing. Yellow teeth - nothing. I know that these things should not affect the way people think of other people. If someone thinks i should be discriminated against based on my height, i can fight with them, give them a piece of my mind. Without getting hurt. With weight, i will still give a piece of my mind, but come back and cry in my room, break my mirror etc.

Now that is the difference between the two. Why? If i find the root of this, maybe i can get rid of it? It is a very faint glimmer of hope. It pops up in my mind from time to time because of the way Ishani is confident about it. I trust women who are passionate about their work very seriously. But let me not get carried away, it is but just a glimmer.

Once a Seeker Always a Seeker | Shrink Tales

I got lost at Kandivali station in the morning. But in things like that i have improved a bit. Usually what i think is, 'it had to happen because it's me.' But this time irritating as it was, i persevered and asked around and found my way out. When i accomplish such things i feel good. Like the last time, there was a roadblock when i went to deposit my cheque at the bank. But instead of going back home, i kept going in search of the next option. Something inji has been asking me to do forever. But it's kind of happening.

We spoke about why i missed the previous session. Ish again said to me that we try to protect ourselves when we anticipate hurt. If i felt therapy was going in a direction that i am reluctant to look into, it was natural for it to happen. It could be the body image problem. I had decided to write an article on it, coming out as a feminist who has still not been able to solve this problem after i read Nisha Susan's brilliant article. That's still in my to-do list and probably because of the same reason.

All that i don't want to be - this is every person's problem. This thought is a luxury, i know. It's a privilege. I can think of what i am and what i am not and brood and be depressed because i don't have to worry about where to sleep tonight or how to eat tomorrow. Yes, depression is a privilege. So is love.

So by killing oneself, one is trying to stop being all that they are. But there is a contradiction right there, isn't there? Because killing yourself is also part of who you are and by doing it to stop being who you are, you are being yet another part of what you are.

I want to be like inji because i don't like what i am. Yes, it's time to realise that that what i am is a sum of all that i am not, a sum of all my imperfections but don't know. I am the seeker, always. I have got to strive to be something i am not, at all times. That's what keeps me going. Some of the things stick to you. Some don't. Filmmaking stuck. Basketball, violin and girl scouts didn't.

We spoke about the protective shield i build around inji all the time. It was very interesting, what Ish said about it. The first thing i assume when i speak about inji to someone is that they are going to hate her. Ish said that it sounds almost as if i want them to hate her. It could be true. Because then, i get a sense of superiority by observing that i love her in spite of all the reasons others state to hate her. Yeah, i do believe that the reasons everyone states are not valid but even then, standing with her is somewhat like how it was with sister. We are a force to reckon with and can't be touched. You touch one of us and there will be blood. This combative mode is what i am used to. I am not used to people accepting me. Same goes for inji. And maybe, inside me, that's what i am okay with. Really, i don't like it when someone likes me. I am much more comfortable knowing that they hate me.

Ish also spoke about the things other hate about inji. So i know that most people hate her for being in US and having an opinion about things in India. Of supporting movements here. They accuse her of physically being in another place while instigating other people over here. I have not felt this about her. I think that it's bullshit. But there are things i have hated her for. The way she speaks. So when someone else hates her for the way she speaks, i have this smile on my face, thinking, i know exactly what you're talking about. But i am past all that. Look where i am now, now that i have learnt better. I know better.

Don't know. Inji is a big part of my life. There is no me without her, i feel. And this might be why mother hates her. Maybe she knows i feel this way about inji and not about her. Biologically, i am here only because of mother but in a purely existential sort of way, i feel i am attached to inji by my soul. That there is a knot. And that it can't be untied.

During the week, the smiling to self continued. I am so conscious of it these days and that makes me think it is happening after a long time. Is it okay to get a surge of love, like blood rushing to the part of brain where love is from time to time. This is triggered by images, people, memories, songs. Oh god, for the first time after watching the film, i watched the song from Mayanadhi and cried from beginning till the end. And my eyes water even as a type.

Had what i call a relapse during work. That is, after the therapy i came home and slept. I was so not used to the heat. This happened yesterday and today as well and inji blasted me. Not as much as she usually does, which is even more dangerous. Silence cuts deeper. So today, i did sleep, but wrote two stories. Intend to do three tomorrow.

Missed Therapy for the First Time | Shrink Tales

Ish shifted my session to a Monday. I was not able to write soon after coming back from therapy last week. It was the session in which Ish said that she was not being able to figure me out. I was talking about being late for work, a certain thrill in defying inji's orders etc. She said that i wasn't depressed. I feel it. Been feeling it since the last time she told me that. But there is more happiness now. I have started smiling to myself like an idiot while walking alone. Something that happens when one is in love or has smoked weed. Anyone would think i had just fallen in love.

Ish asked me to ask inji to change my shift to a later one in the day. Guess what, i reached home and inji told me that she had just done that. Now my shift starts at 2 pm. I stay up till 4/5 in the morning. Sleep and get up at 12. And looks like i am more productive this way.

We spoke about Sister, again. Mother considers me to be the person who can mend it. I should apologise, if things had to be all right with Sister. Somehow i have no problem doing any of that. I don't think i did anything wrong. I hurt them, yes. They hurt me too. They keep asking me for apologies. I have tendered apologies earlier, apologies for behaving the way i behaved when i was being abused by various men, the disgrace i put them in, repeatedly apologised and they still feel it is not enough that they forget that i did it and ask me to apologise again. I am still ready to do it. To Sister, i can apologise but the problem is that she is not going to get the confession she wants out of me.

I know that she wants me to say that i am sorry for having believed other people, told mother about what the outsiders had told me and made her life hell because mother knowing things really different from me knowing things. It reminded me of all the smoking talk, covering up, breach of trust and all that happened. She wants me to say that i was completely wrong about her, that she never did anything to anyone and all my accusations were false.

There lies the problem. I can't do that. So if i were to apologise, i can only make sweeping statements like, i am sorry i hurt you so much by saying the things i said. I am sorry for hurting you like that.

This doesn't work because then she asks for details. And then it becomes evident that i stand by what i said and the remorse is only for having caused her sadness by saying it. So it means that my journey has been different. Ish told me that and i think i agree. It does look like chechi is not there yet. And i am worried about her. That she is not helping herself. But as long as she isn't there, i can't force it out of her. Maybe, my apologies might even look like me taking a higher moral ground to her. I should let it be. It makes me sad. Especially the possibility that we might never talk again.

These days, i am just worrying about my career, i think.

Convocation - SRFTI - scared. Feel bad that i can't go.

I missed the session on Monday. It was such a shock to me. I had gone to sleep late but that had never resulted in me sleeping like that and missing therapy. My absent mindedness had resulted in me getting the time wrong. But never something like this.I have no clue why that happened. I cringed when i called Ish and told her that i slept through the session and more, the feeling i get when i do something wrong and go in front of Mother or inji. I also worried about the money, that i had wasted an entire session and the guilt made me feel bad but not for as long as it usually does.

The new schedule started working really well for me. I started getting the pleasure of working. I do feel guilty when i stay up till 5 in the morning but as long as it is not making me late for work i am okay with it.

I noticed that there is a sliiiight change in my eating. It's erratic but i am cooking more often ever since i found the fish person here. Even when alone. The guilt pangs have reduced but i believe it is only because i compensate later and the weighing scale is not showing me unfavourable numbers.

Ever since my work schedule got sorted, i have been feeling a lot of love. Like giving away a lot of love. And the smiling to self while walking alone has actually increased. Is this the beginning of some problem? Because the last time i was like this was when i fell in love with my partner and that is expected of love.

What's changed? What's happening?

PS it's not like i don't get sad, i do. Like Jay, his beautiful wife, him commenting on calico post, his jumping with her photo, Sister and Mother and their hatred for inji. All this hurt me. Politically, i consume a lot of news that's horrifying and sad deliberately. Like reading the entire chargesheet in the asifa case. I did that on purpose as the least i can do for someone who died of that which i read. At nights i still wonder about the male species, gender violence and more. I remember saying the same sentence to Ish long ago but this time it's not like that. Like she said, she has her husband and kids and an ocean of love to fall back into. I don't know what i have but i feel like i have enough now with inji and calico talking to me and relationship with Mother has become better. Immediately made me think 'you're being dependent' and you will suffer and writhe in pain like last time when inji leaves abruptly.

Control | Shrink Tales

I was somehow feeling lighter than usual when i set out for therapy on Tuesday. Bombay was getting hotter. My yearning for home and rain was at the back of my mind but was not eating me like it usually does.

Ish said that it just came as a natural choice to her to pick on the subject of my fish curry from the notes from the previous session. She said that that was perhaps the first time i had mentioned food at all. It was true. In all relationships there comes a point where i decide to disclose my vulnerability regarding food and it looked as if that one line in my writing was that in my therapy sessions. That's quite an achievement, i guess, given that i told my partner about it just last year, almost three years into our relationship.

I felt good that Ish disagreed with her about pushing me towards doing something about my unhealthy support systems like smoking and not eating. It could have the opposite effect, she said and i was like 'on your face,' to her in my head. But then i also knew that in the end she would be right. 

We spoke a lot about control.I had not realised that it was an important part of my relationships with people and things. I always considered it as having something to do with sex all the time. Sexual abuse. For instance, when Ish was saying that for me, the peak point for all relationships was - i completed the sentence with sex. But she was going to say control. For me, the peak point was when i consented (or not consented to sex and it was coerced out of me) to sex. But in fact, it was not sex i was consenting to, it was control over me or my body. Because in most of my relationships, the sex part of it was abuse.

This perspective on relationships made me feel better. It is the relief that i know something  about myself so it will help me make better judgements. For me, that is the best part of therapy - these joining of dots that will give me a clearer picture. The good thing is that, unlike when she shows me the whole picture all naked in front of me, i don't feel defeated. Or figured out by Ish. It feels like figuring out for yourself and that consoles me.

She asked me to think of instances where i had lost control with substance abuse. It was then that i remembered that the first time i drank in my life, i ended up having sex with my female friend from college. That was something i had no intention of doing. Ish linked this fear of losing control with Father's alcoholism. It was true. I grew up as a child who wanted to avoid losing control like that at any cost. Father behaved differently when he was under the influence of alcohol. Even after his death, i saw that his brothers were alcoholic and they turned rude and impolite to Appan when they were drunk. They were all different people when they were drunk. I remember making a pact with my only male cousin. That he wouldn't drink or smoke when he grew up. He in turn asked me the same question. It was kind of feminist for a boy of that age and time. In the end, i do believe i started smoking and drinking before he did. The first cigarettes i stole was from his own father.

Thinking about losing control, i also remembered the humiliating experience with Aalayam, my ex editor, one of the accused in one of my complaints of sexual harassment. I felt bad for him because people, especially men considered him unworthy of my attention or love. That naturally led me to take him under my wing and openly feed him love. But as is the case with a lot of men who interact with me, he took it as permission to approach me for sex. I just couldn't think of him in that manner but he persisted despite my repeated 'no's' In the end, it was when i got drunk that i decided to let him have whatever he needed from my body. It was horrible and humiliating, is what i told Ish regarding that.

So in all relationships, that is, in all people i loved, i considered giving control to them as the epitome of love. So it was with Sister. With Appan. It's when i shook myself out of Sister's control that our problems started. I started noticing things that i couldn't agree with. My 3.5 years long relationship with Jay, of course, i agreed to have sex with him without even him approaching because i was sure that that was the relationship that was going to work for me so i might as well finish off with the initiation ceremony. He had control over my family.

Now when it comes to my partner, it changes for me. Here, i made a choice. Refraining to do things that will hurt him is one of the things i do for him. I don't see it as control. I see it as love. I would anyway do it because i loved him. He would do the same for me. Even if he doesn't, my love has to be superior in that way. Each one in the relationship should get the best possible format of love.

What about food? If i continue in this manner, did my food problem start first or abuse? Ish thinks it is food. I do too. So it could be that i identified food as the cause for the fat shaming that was done to me. So me giving control to food was me taking my relationship with it to the peak point so that food will leave me alone and treat me properly. Like when i had fish and rice and felt absolutely awesome about it, the same night, i let it control me. Gobbling up some pieces and rice before i threw it.

During the week, I read an article about quitting drinking by an alcoholic. The writer tries to find out if quitting had made any of the writers write poor writing. Then I remembered ish asking me about the fat me. :-( felt sad. Imagined fat me in school etc. The article was really good and when inji saw that I had shared it, she told me that it was keeping me in mind that she posted that in malayee feminist reading group. 

Jay called. He said he was going to have a baby. I cried. I don't think I was sad. I was amazed and overwhelmed, felt as if something was happening in my life. I was happy and worried at the same time. Worried because from the conversation I realized he hasn't changed a bit. Recently I had looked at his photos and had felt that he was smoking weed a lot. Thought about addiction genes being passed on. 

Sister said really hurting things. But because ish had told me that it was not going to work without her reciprocation, I think maybe the mind did not blame myself for it. I asked her why she hated me so much. Asked where the hatred came from. 

Covering events in Bombay is giving new experiences. I still hate the place though.