Tuesday, 20 February 2018

Love to Hate Eating | Shrink Tales

Content warning: Derogatory remarks about body weight have been included to portray the mental health issues related to body image etc. 

Let's talk food. I love cooking. Hate eating. Love to hate eating.

Checked weight. Saw that it hasn't changed from yesterday. Felt angry towards self. Resolved to eat less the next day.

It's always a battle. While making food for partner i feel like making for myself. But it is a battle and i have to win it. I will not make for myself. Instead i will have tea and extra points if i don't eat a piece out of his plate.

Checked weight. The number has not changed. Worried. Thinking of i should reduce the number of tea i have at home. Feel like sleeping. Let me sleep for some time and then check if weight changes.

Stopped working and slept. Weight didn't change. Disappointed but not much because i'd prepared myself for it. Checked on the other scale. Felt a little better. Not much.

Checked weight again. Number unchanging. Worried. Trying to dind out why the situation. Is it sleep? That seems to be the only difference. Imagine myself going to Delhi and Anu saying 'you put on weight.'

Felt guilty after having leftover rice from partner. Thought about what to do the next day to compensate.

Today weighing scale again showed the stagnant number despite me feeling strongly that it would've changed. I stepped down and stepped on it again and this time it showed a difference. Stepped on it again to see if the number remained the same. It did. Became happy. Felt light. Enthusiastic. At night, asked partner if we should eat out. I think i should starve for one more day before i do that.

During therapy last week, ish had asked me if there was any difference in the way I functioned when I was fat. I thought about the time I was over 56 kgs. Strangely, all that frustration didn't seem to have affected how I created. I made films that too, good films when I was fat. One of the most memorable stage performances I did was when I was fat. Oh yeah that's the one this woman beater said 'why didn't you let me have you (means fuck you) when you looked like this. 

Ish asked me what I felt when I thought of that aspect. That nothing was different when I was fact as far as my productivity was concerned. I didn't know. It could be that I was resisting the feeling of being relieved or even happy to an extent. It's perhaps good news that doesn't sound good to me. 

It could be true. But I was never at peace, was I. I did have those episodes of binge eating. Did have those breakdowns. And hiding behind a facade which said that I wanted to put on weight. Don't know. It could be that I didn't know how else to function when fat. 

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