Tuesday, 30 January 2018

Will i be Able to Handle Eating | Shrink Tales

Hectic week with a lot of scolding from boss. 
The whole week went by with me thinking a lot about therapy. 
I have started wondering if i should quit. In the last session i had told Ish that i had started feeling really confident that i was okay without therapy. I had told her that i was not quitting just like that because the last time i quit my pills 'just like that,' i ended up doubly wounded. 

But the week that just went by had me thinking more and more about quitting therapy and me also trying to battle that thought. I felt really alone. As if no one (my partner) would understand what i was feeling. I am always suspicious that people around me don't take what i am doing seriously. 

In the previous session, we had again nudged my eating problem. I am still scared to go there but Ish told me what i already knew. We had to tightly shut all the windows through which depression could seep in. Today, i am not thinking of dying because i haven't got 'justice' in my sexual harassment battle at SRFTI because it has been healed through medicines and therapy - i hope. But the eating problem is still something that can easily make me go back to that phase where i was breaking mirrors and eating till i couldn't walk and purging. I will not forget how the first time i went to a therapist on my own was to talk about this problem, in Calcutta. I remember that Mother had got pissed. She thought it wasn't a problem. 

It was. Still is. Mother also had a role in it. And practically everyone around me during puberty and since. Ish said that revisiting the origin and development of this problem might help shed light on other problem areas as well. 

Ish, my therapist, asked me to dwell more on my feelings. 
I was angry a lot because of men but that's the story of all women's lives. 
I felt a lot bad for Mother. She was always crying on the phone, asking me to pray, believe in god etc. Felt bad, guilty and everything for everything i did to her. Not that she doesn't remind me enough, she does, but i always end up wishing if i could take all of her pain to myself so that she can feel better. 

I hope to find out about my eating habit and if there is anything i can do about thinking of quitting therapy instead of cigarettes. 



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