This session ended with me telling Ish, my therapist that i was a manipulative and abusive bitch. She said that saying that meant that i wasn't manipulative. It is part of the plan, i said in my mind. That's how i work around people. I think i try to make people like me by being manipulative. If i am interested in those people. I don't like whom i call the 'accent guy' in office. [He said 'oh you are from Kerala? But you don't have an accent!,' while speaking with the accent every indian has himself] So i don't try to manipulate him to like me. I like my boss and i do try to make her like me. Also feel guilty about it later. Same with Ish. It's all part of a big plan to make everyone i like like me. I hope i live to see the end of it. No use people liking me after i am dead, i suppose.
During therapy, Ish asked me if my reason to try and be like my sister was because i thought Appan would like me better if i was like my sister. It could be true. That's the reason why i started reading, learning english etc. The two of them seemed to be having so much fun talking about books and language and everything. I was a child, but i didn't know that. So i felt i was not fully equipped to talk to Appan. I must have decided to work on it. I succeeded too and i was proud of it.
But it's also true that i didn't feel good about me being liked more than my sister. I always felt that my mother liked me more than her and i did not like it. I did not like it when my sister felt bad about me playing chess, winning tournaments. How my father and mother did not have money to enroll her into any classes she liked, like dancing. By the time i was in the enrollment-in-extra-curricular-activities stage, something every middle class indian family has fun doing, my mother had money to do that. [My father was dead by then.] In fact, i 'retired' from chess when i was winning tournaments because i felt bad about my sister and also because my mother had started abusing me when i lost games.
I uploaded on Facebook the picture of me confronting L about rape. My mother called me a day later and she was crying. I guessed that she must have seen the picture on Facebook. I wondered if what i was doing was right. Felt very bad hearing her cry. I told her that i was going to mallu land for a talk later that month. She cheered up a bit. I always feel bad for my mother thinking of what i made her go through. Then i feel hatred towards myself. But i will not be able to stop upsetting her because when i speak there is at least one woman somewhere out there, who finds courage to speak up, confront and fight. I owe it to her.
During and after therapy last week i thought about Ish's comment on cat calling. I wanted to tell her that cat calling was not a compliment in any manner. It's like equating rape with sex. I thought about my own dependency. Tomorrow, if Ish were to say something that offended me, wouldn't i continue taking her help? Isn't that what i did in all abusive relationships? I also happened to read an article about the relation that a black person had with their white therapist and how the therapist was being racist. While thinking these, i got scared that Ish will stop believing the things i say, like everyone else, because i questioned them. Or did not agree with them on some front. Thought of NN's mother who is a therapist and her comments about Dalits.
Inji Pennu. I have not been able to understand her fully. And sometimes when i don't understand her i get angry with her in my mind. I have exhibited that anger once in public. So I can understand why a lot of people hate her. The problem becomes political when the hatred towards her is used to derail a larger cause that she or anyone stands for. My family falls under the category of people who hate her. They are also extremely jealous of her. I have no idea why.
The week took a downward spiral towards the end. I posted on Facebook about some of the abuse that i faced at the hands of my mother and sister. It has been hell after that. Everyone questioning me. My partner, my friends, Calico, Inji was the only one on my side, who in fact felt that there was a need for me to post that. She was the one who asked me to, if i could do it, pointing out how it was against #HugHadiya women. I questioned myself several times before doing it. And i did it.
Mother attacked with emotional blackmailing. Sister with the usual cold 'i couldn't care less' interspersed with emotional blackmailing. She sent a suicide note to me, blaming me for it. I immediately sought help. Even contacted her colleague who said that she had noticed that my sister had been very irregular at work, lately. I am worried about her. But there is absolutely no way i can help her now because she is neck deep in hatred for me.
Meanwhile, during this ordeal, i thought of suicide once again. First time after the last attempt. Whenever Mother starts one of her call her repeatedly till she is forced to pick the call, with messages i between asking to pick, i get very scared and feel like my tormentor is right next to me. Earlier these messages would be in bad language, sometimes with swear words. Or just 'edukkedi'. I cringe when i even think of it. Even while writing my eyes water. When all that started again, the exasperating conversations in which Mother says even more bizarre things, i thought of how it would be for them both if i had died. I thought that they would be relieved that they wouldn't have to deal with the only person who says nasty stuff about them, accuses them of abuse. Life would be easy for them, i caught myself thinking.
I thought of getting an earlier appointment with Ish but decided against it. I can manage, i thought. It has now been two days since Mother spoke to me. The last thing she said to me was that other parents had done even worse things, probably and they were still liking my post on Facebook. I don't get hurt because she is saying that. I get hurt thinking that she is not getting the problem with saying something like that. It hurts me that when she is with Sister, she will never be questioned or made to understand what is wrong or even offered help. I really do care for my mother even though i have not been there for her when she wanted me. I have even forgotten how to express my love to her. [Eyes just watered again.] I am really sad that she is so alone, doesn't have a companion.
Vai Vow got a high paying job and i am elated. Also jealous, but very little. I am very happy about him and i think that he will get immersed in work and will be able to forget me soon. I texted Mother. I hope she replies. I want to help her.
During therapy, Ish asked me if my reason to try and be like my sister was because i thought Appan would like me better if i was like my sister. It could be true. That's the reason why i started reading, learning english etc. The two of them seemed to be having so much fun talking about books and language and everything. I was a child, but i didn't know that. So i felt i was not fully equipped to talk to Appan. I must have decided to work on it. I succeeded too and i was proud of it.
But it's also true that i didn't feel good about me being liked more than my sister. I always felt that my mother liked me more than her and i did not like it. I did not like it when my sister felt bad about me playing chess, winning tournaments. How my father and mother did not have money to enroll her into any classes she liked, like dancing. By the time i was in the enrollment-in-extra-curricular-activities stage, something every middle class indian family has fun doing, my mother had money to do that. [My father was dead by then.] In fact, i 'retired' from chess when i was winning tournaments because i felt bad about my sister and also because my mother had started abusing me when i lost games.
I uploaded on Facebook the picture of me confronting L about rape. My mother called me a day later and she was crying. I guessed that she must have seen the picture on Facebook. I wondered if what i was doing was right. Felt very bad hearing her cry. I told her that i was going to mallu land for a talk later that month. She cheered up a bit. I always feel bad for my mother thinking of what i made her go through. Then i feel hatred towards myself. But i will not be able to stop upsetting her because when i speak there is at least one woman somewhere out there, who finds courage to speak up, confront and fight. I owe it to her.
During and after therapy last week i thought about Ish's comment on cat calling. I wanted to tell her that cat calling was not a compliment in any manner. It's like equating rape with sex. I thought about my own dependency. Tomorrow, if Ish were to say something that offended me, wouldn't i continue taking her help? Isn't that what i did in all abusive relationships? I also happened to read an article about the relation that a black person had with their white therapist and how the therapist was being racist. While thinking these, i got scared that Ish will stop believing the things i say, like everyone else, because i questioned them. Or did not agree with them on some front. Thought of NN's mother who is a therapist and her comments about Dalits.
Inji Pennu. I have not been able to understand her fully. And sometimes when i don't understand her i get angry with her in my mind. I have exhibited that anger once in public. So I can understand why a lot of people hate her. The problem becomes political when the hatred towards her is used to derail a larger cause that she or anyone stands for. My family falls under the category of people who hate her. They are also extremely jealous of her. I have no idea why.
The week took a downward spiral towards the end. I posted on Facebook about some of the abuse that i faced at the hands of my mother and sister. It has been hell after that. Everyone questioning me. My partner, my friends, Calico, Inji was the only one on my side, who in fact felt that there was a need for me to post that. She was the one who asked me to, if i could do it, pointing out how it was against #HugHadiya women. I questioned myself several times before doing it. And i did it.
Mother attacked with emotional blackmailing. Sister with the usual cold 'i couldn't care less' interspersed with emotional blackmailing. She sent a suicide note to me, blaming me for it. I immediately sought help. Even contacted her colleague who said that she had noticed that my sister had been very irregular at work, lately. I am worried about her. But there is absolutely no way i can help her now because she is neck deep in hatred for me.
Meanwhile, during this ordeal, i thought of suicide once again. First time after the last attempt. Whenever Mother starts one of her call her repeatedly till she is forced to pick the call, with messages i between asking to pick, i get very scared and feel like my tormentor is right next to me. Earlier these messages would be in bad language, sometimes with swear words. Or just 'edukkedi'. I cringe when i even think of it. Even while writing my eyes water. When all that started again, the exasperating conversations in which Mother says even more bizarre things, i thought of how it would be for them both if i had died. I thought that they would be relieved that they wouldn't have to deal with the only person who says nasty stuff about them, accuses them of abuse. Life would be easy for them, i caught myself thinking.
I thought of getting an earlier appointment with Ish but decided against it. I can manage, i thought. It has now been two days since Mother spoke to me. The last thing she said to me was that other parents had done even worse things, probably and they were still liking my post on Facebook. I don't get hurt because she is saying that. I get hurt thinking that she is not getting the problem with saying something like that. It hurts me that when she is with Sister, she will never be questioned or made to understand what is wrong or even offered help. I really do care for my mother even though i have not been there for her when she wanted me. I have even forgotten how to express my love to her. [Eyes just watered again.] I am really sad that she is so alone, doesn't have a companion.
Vai Vow got a high paying job and i am elated. Also jealous, but very little. I am very happy about him and i think that he will get immersed in work and will be able to forget me soon. I texted Mother. I hope she replies. I want to help her.
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