The Quintessential Mallu Responds to Tarun Vijay

Dear Tarun Vijay,

We heard that you called us ‘black’. We are very angry. We don’t know about the rest of the South Indians, but let us tell you, this is so not done.

Your statement is insulting at so many levels. First of all, we are not ‘black’. We are very fair. White. Have you not seen our actresses? Mammookka is fair. What black people were you talking about anyway! 

Mammookka is fair!

Oh! It could be about those ones we make feel like shit because they are black. You see, we take complexion more seriously than you do. We are obsessed with the colour white. We love it so much so that right after a child is born, the first question we ask is if it is white or black. No point celebrating if it is black, you know. In fact, even before the child is born we tell our pregnant women ways to get a fair skinned kid. [Goes without saying that we prefer baby boys to baby girls] We know these tips by-heart. Not having black coffee while pregnant, having saffron with milk are some of them. Even after following these, if the kid turns out to be black, we sort of shake our heads [good luck figuring out our nods and shakes] in dismay and wait for the next one to come. 

The most important parameter for us while we look for brides for our sons is the complexion. Makes complete sense, right? After all, this is the most important aspect of creation. A white bride ergo a white baby. All our matrimonial advertisements are filled with fair Nair girls. Where did all these fair girls come from if what you said was true. You really should hold your tongue when you talk about us Mallus. You have no idea what we are capable of. You can ask Maria Sharapova for more details. 

You insulted our devotion and loyalty to fairness. We routinely make fun of dark skinned people calling them ‘paandi’. Paandi because that’s the derogatory term we use for Tamilians who are, in fact, BLACK. We think you mixed us up, like the rest of North India do. Tamil Nadu is different from Mallu Land/Kerala and people over there are black. We detest them. In fact we think that we are not racist because we let Tamilians work in Mallu Land despite them being so black. How dare you say the same about us!

Please get this right. We are white. We love white. We’ll never be black, try as you might. 

Sincerely,

The Quintessential Mallu

Sexist, casteist, never racist. 

Thengyu.