She Leaves Me. Again

For years I have struggled to explain to her how she hurts me. How I get hurt even when she has no clue that I am getting hurt. She has sometimes asked me too, how it is that she has hurt me. I have tried to explain and have failed. I have told the world that my appachan is the only person on this planet who has not hurt me and it is true till this point. Yesterday is when I read the letter she had written me and Maya. I don’t know why Facebook does not show me all her posts even when I have put her on ‘See First’. What the fuck is ‘See First’ for, dumb Facebook. Your fucking thing does not work. So I read the letter late because of Facebook. I have been wallowing in self pity and cold (the disease) since that. Usual crying was done then and there and even now it hurts so much. With time, like last time, I might get over it. I would like you to understand how my pathetic brain works and what it reads in what you write. It goes this way. 

I think now is the right time to tell you both. To tell you both why I left abruptly and hit the road on my journey alone.

[Oh my god. This has to be about me. You have the same answer for both me and Maya? How dare you! Do you not think that I am a separate individual! How dare you!]

 I am a fiercely independent woman. Fiercely, Yes. In mind body and soul, I need freedom. I do not like these "earthly" emotional ties that will make me stick to the ground. I have to fly.

[I, on the other hand am a dumb bitch who doesn’t know what freedom is. I used to think that getting a job is what makes an independent woman and now that I have one, I definitely am one, but looks like I am not. I will never be able to be an independent woman even though it sounds like something that I really want to be. Fuck me.]

But there are certain times when one cannot do that, when you have responsibilities to fulfill. That is child birth, kids in school, kids doing PhD, kids not yet finishing film school.

[Oh! So I was a liability throughout. It is very frustrating when a course doesn’t get over in the time it is supposed to. Till film school I have never lost any year doing anything stupid, except of course the times when I was getting abused, but that I managed while studying and passing exams, mostly with good marks. Of course I am competitive unlike you and that is again something which makes me a lesser human being than you. But I am very proud that even though I went through hell in that goddamn film school I took only four years unlike some of my seniors who had to face no problem like I did because they were okay with ragging and sexual harassment and still took 7 years. Yes, six months of delay was from my part probably. But what I achieved in four years is, I am damn sure, something nobody ever has, in that fucking place. [Swearing at SRFTI. Not you. I am not pissed. This, like I said, is just to tell you how sick my brain is and how lowly a creature I am. Wallowing in self pity. Remember.]

Kids are demanding and needy. Very much so. Extremely jealous and expect you every second when they are home. But when they are out with their friends they do not need you. They need you only when they are hurt out playing. Sometimes they even pretend hurt for things they can fix themselves, just to be home and warm.

[Yes. I agree completely. I have been so with my mother. With you too. If I have pretended to be hurt for things I could have fixed myself, I was unaware of it and am sorry. That I don’t remember having done it does not mean that I haven’t. The bitch that I am, it is quite possible but I would like to remain indignant and say that it was an unconscious move if at all.]

Kids are tricksters. They trick you to believe their side of the story always. Out of love, You are there to believe in anything they say or dream or even lie.

[Thanks, I thought that I would never have to lie to you, and used to be quite happy that I didn’t have to lie to you. By saying that I tricked you into believing my side of the story I have just deduced that you never believed that I was abused. That fucking hurts. I mean it is good, great if I was never abused. But then that is saying that I have no idea what abuse is. Even after all my efforts to understand it. It is saying that every time you pointed out abuse to me it was because I tricked you and you now regret all of that because it was my telling which made you say that. So I feel like shit. It is as if I tricked you into something false. Why? Why would I do that! To get your attention? That is what people at SRFTI told me for god’s sake! How can you tell me that!]

What happens then? The kids turn out emotionally highly dependant. They never mature. There is a big difference in emotional maturity between kids of stay at home moms and working moms.

[Okay]

I am a working woman, I mean I work like hell. Like every second of mine other than sleeping is consumed in work, sometimes paying and most times volunteer work. It is not easy.

[I am shit. I don’t work. Even when I have a job, which I thought will make me like you, I am shit because I will never be as busy as you.]

Most of the time I have guests. They might stay a little longer. I might have to take care of them too. You kids will have to share room, and sharing rooms is yet another emotional conversation, teaching to share and care. But it never ends well. It is always a big fight.

[Okay]

See I couldnt even write the names, because I will be blamed for writing someone's name first and I will be emotionally punished later.

[You got it wrong. It is not about whose name first. The punishment is for writing the same letter to both of us. You equated me with someone else. Unpardonable. But why is that so wrong? And no, I didn’t know I was punishing you whenever I came to you and whined things similar to ‘why did you write the same letter to us both?’ I could be punishment only because it is an extra conversation with me. Which must be a horrible thing since you call it punishment. Which means again, I am a piece of shit not worthy of your conversations.]

I had to put an end to all this. Have to let it go. So you can fly. One completed her PhD and the other one got a job. When I locked the door, I made sure there is enough coffee in the flasks, you have warm blankets, and tickets and a spare key in a place anytime you can return to. But I will be home only when I can be and want to be.

[Actually I felt really good reading this line. A week ago, when I was again crying thinking of you, suddenly something struck me and I realized, there has, after all, been some change in me. When I was thinking of how you went away from me, I also thought of paappu and baby and immediately it struck me that time away from me meant more time with them. That made me so happy. Actually. I don’t know how that happened because usually I only feel jealousy. From what you wrote earlier, you might think I am lying, but I am not. In fact, that is the only good thing about you leaving me, I realized.]

I have a lot of things pending and a lot of stuff to complete. I have been planning this Brexit for a long time.

[Yes, I know.]

Then I found the right opportunity. It was getting politically messy. For my strong stances, you were questioned ridiculed forced to answer. Your political friends, or your close family all were questioning the ties with me.

[Family is true, I never got questioned about your political stances though]

I had to put an end to this whole whining thing and I had to put an end to it in public so it’s sincere and straight and it’s political. So that your political friends and close family take notice.

[How is that political? I have been trying to figure this out for a long time but I really don’t understand. If it is saying that my political stance is not the same as yours because I love you, it is I who should state that, right? And it’s kind of weird. People bond over politics too, we too bonded like that, didn’t we? Even if we hadn’t why is it so surprising that two people might have the same stance. To be honest, I do think that my stances regarding a lot of things are really very different from yours.]

Like fools, both of you walked into their hands. I was waiting because I know and confident of my love. Always. If they ever hurt you again, they will hear from me! I will rip them apart, as you know me! So stay alive and stay clear!

[What on earth are you talking about? Whose hands did I walk into? I probably am not able to make sense because I am inferior to you. You can add this sentence in my reply to everything you wrote that I didn’t understand]

I am the bad mean one and I like to stay like that. Not an inch will I move. It’s not for nothing the name is Inji.

[Rolls eyes]

You both have to be emotionally mature first which both of you are not.

[Of course I am not. I don’t think I ever will be too. If that was why you were with me, why were you with me? What kind of a reason is that. But wait. Why were you with me anyway!]

You have to make right choices in friends and family without me hand holding at every turn.

[Yeah. I know. I am trying. Will try not to come to you when I fail and fuck it all up.]

You both have to stop this crying thingie for every single thing. Not kids anymore.

[Yeah, I do think I have a crying problem. It just comes. Don’t know from where. I get a headache out of it and it’s horrible but still it happens and I can never do anything to stop it.]

Take a deep breath and sit straight and stop being sissy.

[That’s very sexist]

Go around the World, Make mistakes, Get hurt and take it in like a bitch. But dont give in. Never.

[I thought that was what I was doing and this feels like mansplaining to me. But it probably isn’t because I am always wrong about everything. So when I thought I was going around the world I probably must have been sleeping or something.]

But let me tell you one thing, when you return mature and free -- which I have to feel, the spare key to home will work, there will be dosa maavu or appam maavu on the bottom shelf of the fridge. Coffee pots as usual on the counter. The iron griddle will be on the left shelf on the bottom. Use only nallenna and be careful with the iron griddle, I will be patient with anything but if you spoil my seasoned iron griddle which I take care like a baby, you will hear from me!

[Who makes dosa with nallenna and no, I don’t know how to make velleppam. Since you once wrote you like making food from the scratch and I have been repeating that line quite proudly to the poor uninitiated [to cooking and to my ahangaaram] people around me. What I want is to learn how to make the batter first. So no, thanks. I won’t be coming.]

Bill O'Reilly: Why We Need to Talk About the Fox News Statement

Fox News, You Fired Bill O'Reilly over sexual harassment charges. Good. Great. But do you know why women are getting sexually harassed at your network repeatedly? I know. And since you are behaving like idiots, i'll tell you why. Below is the statement you issued after O'Reilly was fired. This is why. 

‘...Bill O'Reilly is leaving this chair and this channel and this network after more than twenty years. Bill has been the undisputed king of cable news and for good reason. He is an incredibly talented broadcaster who raised the bar for interviewers everywhere. He has also held the Factor to exacting standards in his quest to put the best possible programme on the air and they are great. And you as audience responded at record numbers making the Factor the number one news show for more than 16 years. You have also been loyal and we can’t tell you how much that means to everyone on the Factor. In a memo to the staff today, Rupert Merdock who runs Fox news described Bill this way. ‘By rating standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news. In fact, his success by any measure is indisputable. We wish him the very best.’’

Since you are pretending as though you don’t know what is wrong with this pile of garbage, let me rewrite it for you. First of all, the caption should not be 'The End of an Era', it should be, 'The End of an Era of Sexual Harassment'

‘Bill O’Reilly has been made to leave this chair and this channel and this network after more than twenty years. Bill has been the undisputed king of cable news as far as white Christian supremacy and racism and sexism on TV are concerned. He was removed from service for having settled sexual harassment charges. He is an incredibly racist broadcaster who raised the standards of racism on TV for racist interviewers everywhere. You as an audience made him popular because you are an equally racist misogynist crowd. Your loyalty is what enabled us to go on with the atrocity called Bill O’Reilly for this long. But this is not right. We should have fired him the first time he sexually harassed an employee. We were idiots to have tolerated it for this long thus increasing the number of victims. Rupert Merdock should have said in his memo that by rating standards and also President Trump’s standards, and may be by the Catholic pope’s standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news. In fact, his success by any measure is irrelevant. We have no idea why we are talking about his success when what we should talk about is how we have failed women who work with us. We wish he is not employed in any position of power. It was a mistake from our part.’
 
I mean, when you sent that memo, did you also send it to the women who were violated by this man too? What is in your head? Shit? Grow up Fox, your grandfather whom you are so used to in your veranda every morning turned out to be a jerk. Live with it. You can do your teary eyed speeches in the comfort of your home but when you tell why a man was fired, tell people the truth. We don’t want to know his legacy. It is one of sexual harassment and that’s it.

The Quintessential Mallu Responds to Tarun Vijay

Dear Tarun Vijay,

We heard that you called us ‘black’. We are very angry. We don’t know about the rest of the South Indians, but let us tell you, this is so not done.

Your statement is insulting at so many levels. First of all, we are not ‘black’. We are very fair. White. Have you not seen our actresses? Mammookka is fair. What black people were you talking about anyway! 

Mammookka is fair!

Oh! It could be about those ones we make feel like shit because they are black. You see, we take complexion more seriously than you do. We are obsessed with the colour white. We love it so much so that right after a child is born, the first question we ask is if it is white or black. No point celebrating if it is black, you know. In fact, even before the child is born we tell our pregnant women ways to get a fair skinned kid. [Goes without saying that we prefer baby boys to baby girls] We know these tips by-heart. Not having black coffee while pregnant, having saffron with milk are some of them. Even after following these, if the kid turns out to be black, we sort of shake our heads [good luck figuring out our nods and shakes] in dismay and wait for the next one to come. 

The most important parameter for us while we look for brides for our sons is the complexion. Makes complete sense, right? After all, this is the most important aspect of creation. A white bride ergo a white baby. All our matrimonial advertisements are filled with fair Nair girls. Where did all these fair girls come from if what you said was true. You really should hold your tongue when you talk about us Mallus. You have no idea what we are capable of. You can ask Maria Sharapova for more details. 

You insulted our devotion and loyalty to fairness. We routinely make fun of dark skinned people calling them ‘paandi’. Paandi because that’s the derogatory term we use for Tamilians who are, in fact, BLACK. We think you mixed us up, like the rest of North India do. Tamil Nadu is different from Mallu Land/Kerala and people over there are black. We detest them. In fact we think that we are not racist because we let Tamilians work in Mallu Land despite them being so black. How dare you say the same about us!

Please get this right. We are white. We love white. We’ll never be black, try as you might. 

Sincerely,

The Quintessential Mallu

Sexist, casteist, never racist. 

Thengyu. 

WASH: HOW WE WORK

Hello from WASH,

We are Women Against Sexual Harassment. WASH was founded by two survivors from two educational institutes in Kolkata, India. We intend to be a support system in ways we can to sexual harassment victims from places of learning and workplaces. In this post we are stating how we operate:

If you are a supporter

We are trying to be of whatever little help we can, to sexual harassment complainants across the country’s educational institutes. If you think you can be a supporter of this cause, you can join us as a supporter. We have nobody funding us so there is no payment involved. We are a small group of working women and students. So support is just being there. A lot of our work is done on social media. We also sometimes have protests in different cities where we turn up to make a statement or for a show of strength etc. You can help us in these. There is a lot of writing and getting in touch with people for support that we do. All these are divided among supporters. Eg: The picture you see above was made by one of us. It takes time. Such work is divided among the members.

You can support us as a complainant, victim, survivor etc and you shall be defined by the identity you choose.

If you are a complainant

If you are a complainant who needs help in any form you can contact us. To protect the identities if the complainants so decide, currently the system is to drop in a mail at kunjilamascillamani@gmail.com Once we receive a mail we will get back to you to tell you in what way we can help you and to what extent.

Can Complainants be Supporters?

Yes.

Can Sexual Harassment/ Rape Victims be Supporters?

Yes.

Can Men be Supporters?

Yes. (Rolls eyes)

Is there anybody who cannot be a supporter?

No.
However, if the members are involved in sexist or misogynistic practices we shall discuss it, take a decision about the situation and shall make a statement about it. We do not entertain irresponsible talk and especially not around sexual harassment and women.

We are all strangers to each other and are people who got together for a cause. So it is possible that we don’t know of what a person’s political history has been. I didn’t know that Irrfan Khan was embroiled in a sexual harassment case until recently. If similar things about gender issues are brought to our notice we shall look into it and shall state publicly what decision we take regarding it.

Suppose Irrfan Khan Seeks Help?

We will offer help in ways we can. The only problem here is that we are currently working with harassment to women alone. What we mean to say with the Irrfan Khan analogy is that, even if you are somebody who has taken problematic stance towards women in the past. Eg: if you have slut shamed women complainants in the past and today you face harassment and come to us, we will help you. No questions asked. Harassment is harassment. We don’t tolerate it.

However, if there are members who have been victims of your harassment in the past, there is an obvious conflict of interest. We will again have to discuss what is to be done and whatever it is, it shall be transparent. We will let the world know of our decision and the reasons behind it.

What happens next?

We are waiting to see what happens in the sexual harassment cases at Jadavpur University and Satyajit Ray Film and Television Institute. We are trying to reach out to women at various places where complaints of sexual harassment have already been made. We need to expand this network and the aim is to be the biggest support group and the strongest of its kind in the country.