It's all about inji.
I stopped going for therapy following inji's scoldings and calico's intervention. Calico said i was being a dick to inji. He said that i had taken stuff like oven from her and was doing nothing. I was squandering her money. I immediately messaged Ish saying i was discontinuing therapy. In my notebook, i realised today when i went through it again for Ish, i had written that i stopped therapy because i thought that was what inji wanted. That was a contradiction. Because i feel i stopped therapy as my way of taking revenge for the way inji treated me. Because while Calico and inji both say that i have been a dick to her, i feel that she has been a bigger dick to me. Making me feel miserable.
While on train i thought i would fool Calico and inji from the next week by being absent during work on all Tuesdays, pretending to be in therapy but remaining at home instead. I went to Ishani determined to not cooperate. That way i could still have my revenge.
When i explained the problems in my relationship with inji, she reminded me that there was power involved. Yes, i tend to overlook but it is an indelible fact. Inji holds a lot of power over me. I believe everything she says, i believe i am what she says i am. When she told me i am abusive, during my relationship with Jay, i believed her. With Sal.
So it could be that i resent her for all the things she said i am. I don't like it that i don't have a family like hers. Be it a life partner or parents and siblings. From whatever snippets of information i have of her family, i know that it is completely different from mine. And she herself has told me many times that that makes a difference.
For instance, when she told me that my weird concepts about consent and sex could be because i have never witnessed my mother and father court each other. How is that my fault? It is not fair that certain things happen to certain families.
So when she doesn't like it when someone says something mildly unpleasant about her family, i feel cheated because i am not in a position where i defend my family in everything. In fact, most of the time, i am in a position where i have to take a stance against them. I hate it.
Ish asked me to think about the growth of this relationship. How did inji come to acquire so much power over me? Like she said, she reached out to me because she liked something i wrote. Later, she reached out to me after disappearing for some time. By then i had started loving her so much. I don't even know how that happened.
Later she would tell me that she reached out to me that time because she saw online that i was being surrounded by a lot of people she knew were predators. I don't like being the sick child. I am always the sick child with her. Something that needs to be fixed.
I hate it that she makes plans for me.
You make ten short films now. I am saving money for you to make a film. I won't let you make a bad film. You are not ready to make a film. You can't think of making a film for two years.
Similarly, i hate it when she tells me that i should not have time to do anything else when i work for her. That is telling me that everything else i do is insignificant. What i think is, if they are insignificant for her, yes, that hurts me, like how one would feel if you knew that the dress you bought when you were allowed to go shopping yourself did not please your mother. But the resentment comes from the thought that she doesn't consider that what is important to me should be important to her also. Would she discontinue pappu or baby's piano lessons if she thought it wasn't worth it? This is how my thoughts go during such times.
Ish pointed out one thing that still is a mystery. Why is it that inji reaches out to me time and again. Ish tried to tell me that it could be because she really loves me and values me. But i again think it is because i need fixing. Calico told me that he reached out to me because i am a 'wrist cutter' as he calls it.
I am okay being sick. Isn't that why i am in therapy? So what the hell is everyone's problem?
The two weeks went by with just one incident where inji got pissed. And i still think what i did is okay though i didn't bother to explain. Because Calico pointed out that my responses to her were toxic. I apologised to her. Said that since her words hurt me all the time, if i am doing the same to her, i know the pain and would like to apologise. She said 'no worries' and i hated her a little more.
Exactly how i thought she would react. 'No worries' and again she is the good person and i am the rascal. I feel like a street mongrel when around her. This is different from being filled with love when someone utters her name. I hate it.
When i type these, there is so much rage inside me. So much anger - the toxic kind - i know that i am a toxic person. So why can't i just die. Eyes moisten up. Fuck everything.
I stopped going for therapy following inji's scoldings and calico's intervention. Calico said i was being a dick to inji. He said that i had taken stuff like oven from her and was doing nothing. I was squandering her money. I immediately messaged Ish saying i was discontinuing therapy. In my notebook, i realised today when i went through it again for Ish, i had written that i stopped therapy because i thought that was what inji wanted. That was a contradiction. Because i feel i stopped therapy as my way of taking revenge for the way inji treated me. Because while Calico and inji both say that i have been a dick to her, i feel that she has been a bigger dick to me. Making me feel miserable.
While on train i thought i would fool Calico and inji from the next week by being absent during work on all Tuesdays, pretending to be in therapy but remaining at home instead. I went to Ishani determined to not cooperate. That way i could still have my revenge.
When i explained the problems in my relationship with inji, she reminded me that there was power involved. Yes, i tend to overlook but it is an indelible fact. Inji holds a lot of power over me. I believe everything she says, i believe i am what she says i am. When she told me i am abusive, during my relationship with Jay, i believed her. With Sal.
So it could be that i resent her for all the things she said i am. I don't like it that i don't have a family like hers. Be it a life partner or parents and siblings. From whatever snippets of information i have of her family, i know that it is completely different from mine. And she herself has told me many times that that makes a difference.
For instance, when she told me that my weird concepts about consent and sex could be because i have never witnessed my mother and father court each other. How is that my fault? It is not fair that certain things happen to certain families.
So when she doesn't like it when someone says something mildly unpleasant about her family, i feel cheated because i am not in a position where i defend my family in everything. In fact, most of the time, i am in a position where i have to take a stance against them. I hate it.
Ish asked me to think about the growth of this relationship. How did inji come to acquire so much power over me? Like she said, she reached out to me because she liked something i wrote. Later, she reached out to me after disappearing for some time. By then i had started loving her so much. I don't even know how that happened.
Later she would tell me that she reached out to me that time because she saw online that i was being surrounded by a lot of people she knew were predators. I don't like being the sick child. I am always the sick child with her. Something that needs to be fixed.
I hate it that she makes plans for me.
You make ten short films now. I am saving money for you to make a film. I won't let you make a bad film. You are not ready to make a film. You can't think of making a film for two years.
Similarly, i hate it when she tells me that i should not have time to do anything else when i work for her. That is telling me that everything else i do is insignificant. What i think is, if they are insignificant for her, yes, that hurts me, like how one would feel if you knew that the dress you bought when you were allowed to go shopping yourself did not please your mother. But the resentment comes from the thought that she doesn't consider that what is important to me should be important to her also. Would she discontinue pappu or baby's piano lessons if she thought it wasn't worth it? This is how my thoughts go during such times.
Ish pointed out one thing that still is a mystery. Why is it that inji reaches out to me time and again. Ish tried to tell me that it could be because she really loves me and values me. But i again think it is because i need fixing. Calico told me that he reached out to me because i am a 'wrist cutter' as he calls it.
I am okay being sick. Isn't that why i am in therapy? So what the hell is everyone's problem?
The two weeks went by with just one incident where inji got pissed. And i still think what i did is okay though i didn't bother to explain. Because Calico pointed out that my responses to her were toxic. I apologised to her. Said that since her words hurt me all the time, if i am doing the same to her, i know the pain and would like to apologise. She said 'no worries' and i hated her a little more.
Exactly how i thought she would react. 'No worries' and again she is the good person and i am the rascal. I feel like a street mongrel when around her. This is different from being filled with love when someone utters her name. I hate it.
When i type these, there is so much rage inside me. So much anger - the toxic kind - i know that i am a toxic person. So why can't i just die. Eyes moisten up. Fuck everything.
